Why I Never See the Laundry

This blog could also be entitled “Why My Wife Never Sees the Trash.”  Let me explain. One of the choices I made almost thirty-five years ago in my relationship with my wife, Martha, was that I would be responsible for taking out the trash. I like to take out the trash. I do it regularly every Thursday morning, every week. When I walk into a room, I often notice how much trash there is in the wastebasket. If I notice that a wastebasket is full, I automatically, without thinking about it, empty the trash into the bigger trash basket in the kitchen. When I see that the kitchen basket is full, I tie up the plastic trash bag and I put it in the large bin outside. I do this all the time. I do it gladly.

Some time ago, however, I became curious: Why is it that Martha rarely does this activity spontaneously? In other words, why does it seem that she never ‘sees’ the trash? Routinely, she (and my grown children when they are home) walks right past a full wastebasket and rarely empties it. Sometimes, members of my family will attempt to put something else in an already overflowing and bursting kitchen basket. It appears that they don’t see that the basket is full or what needs to be done.  Why don’t they just tie it up and take it outside to the large trash container?

It occurred to me that no one else empties the trash because they don’t see the trash in the same way I do. When I see a full trash basket, I am ‘called’ into action to empty it. I see the trash because I ‘am’ a commitment to emptying the trash, a choice I made many years ago. When I made that choice, I became The-Person-Who-Takes-Care-Of-The-Trash. As a result, the trash occurs for me differently than for Martha. Knowing this allowed me to let go of any resentment or irritation I’ve had about being the only person who takes out the trash.  Martha will actually tell you that one of my favorite moments of the week is when the garbage trucks arrive to haul away the garbage that I have put on the curbside that morning!

For Martha, the analogous situation is doing the laundry. In the early stages of our marriage, Martha committed to take care of washing and drying the clothes. She has completed this task regularly and responsibly for years. In our relationship, she is The-Person-Who-Takes-Care-Of-The-Laundry. From time to time, she asks me to do it and I do it happily. On a regular basis, though, I never ‘see’ the laundry in the same way that she does.  I am rarely called into action to do it. I rarely see doing the laundry as something that I need to do. Why? I never chose to do it. Martha, my partner, did.

Posted in Partnership Marriage