Three Forms of Marriage Partnership

There is no one set of values that a couple can adopt that will form the basis of an enduring, fulfilling marriage partnership. Each couple co-creates the values that are important to their relationship.  John Gottman (1994), a marriage researcher and expert, studied 2000 different couples and found that there were three stable forms of marriage, each formed on the basis of a different structure of values.

1. The ‘validating couple’ listens to each other’s points of view, attempts to understand their partner and then finds a compromise. These couples tend to value friendship and emphasize the “we-ness” of their relationship. They value communication, openness, affection and sharing their time, activities and interests with each other.

2. The ‘volatile couple’ communicates from their own points of view and attempts to persuade each other. They are less interested in understanding each other’s points of view. They value openness and self-expression and they are willing to share both negative and positive emotions with each other. They value equality and independence in their relationship.

3. The ‘avoiding couple’ values peace and harmony in their relationship. When in conflict, these couples agree to disagree and avoid conflict where they feel they are going to get stuck. They minimize conflict and value a common understanding of important commitments they have in their relationship, but sharing and companionship are less important.

Couples in successful marriages create a structure of values that forms the basis of their partnership. Gottman (1994) has found that all three kinds of couples can have very successful marriages if they are true to what is important to them and if there is a healthy balance of positive and negative feelings and actions towards one another. When a couple is aligned in their values, their interactions with each other will be an expression of what is important in their relationship. When their behavior with each other is not in accordance with their values, they will experience a misalignment between what they say is important to them and how they behave in their relationship. If this misalignment is great, serious problems can present themselves over time.

Reference

Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Posted in Partnership Marriage