The Emotional Ecology of Marriage

In his research with over 2000 couples, John Gottman (1994) studied the patterns of interaction and the emotional ‘ecology’ of marital relationships. He discovered that, in stable and healthy marriages, couples engaged in approximately five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. He called this finding the ‘magic ratio’ and found it to be predictive of marital relationships that were characterized by love and respect. These couples tended to show concern and caring for each other, affection toward one another, and interest in what each other was doing.

He also found that conflict was not necessarily harmful to a marriage as long as couples could engage in ‘repair mechanisms’ where they could restore their loving connection with each other. Anger and disagreement were found to be healthy for one’s marriage if the couple had sound ways to resolve issues and solve problems as they arose.

Couples who were unable to maintain that healthy magic ratio tended to have interactions that were characterized by greater negativity in the form of criticism, defensiveness, contemptuousness and withdrawal. He was able to document that such negativity expressed over a period of time has very deleterious effects on the stability and health of a marriage.

One of the most interesting findings was that couples who could focus on how they were interacting with each other when they were in conflict had much better success in resolving their issues without hurting their relationship. Right in the middle of their argument, one person might request to be heard or be able to finish what they were saying without being interrupted. Also, one partner might stop to comment on what was happening in their interaction or let their partner know that they were still listening.

Couples with a healthy emotional ecology in their marriage were able to stay focused both on the conversation at hand and manage the emotional sphere between them when they were in conflict. They were able to successfully manage the temperature of their argument. They simultaneously attended to the content and the process of their interactions.

Reference

Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Posted in Partnership Marriage