The Co-Pilot Metaphor

When I work with couples, who are raising young children or children of school age, I often hear their complaint that they simply do not have enough time or space to attend to the well-being of their relationship or the quality of their marriage. I completely understand their dilemma.

I can remember that when our kids were younger, there was a growing social phenomenon in my neighborhood: An increasing number of parents showed up for all their children’s sports contests and school activities. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 60s, my brother and I would hop on our bikes, ride to our little league game, play ball and ride home. Only a handful of parents ever showed up to watch the game. It never occurred to me that my parents “should” have been there.

My wife, Martha, and I were parents of growing children in the 1980s and 90s. My generation gave rise to “helicopter” parenting, a tendency to be over involved in your child’s growth and development, academic achievement, extracurricular activities, etc.

Julie Lythcott-Haims has recently written a book, entitled How to Raise an Adult, in which she describes some of the cultural shifts that occurred in the 1980s that gave rise to helicopter parenting:

• Children’s faces began to show up on milk cartons because there were widely publicized child abductions.
• Parents were increasingly being encouraged to become more involved in their child’s schoolwork because U.S. academic achievement was falling behind that of other nations.
• Parents began to be involved in all aspects of their child’s development with an emphasis on cultivating positive self-esteem.
• And, because there was an increase in the employment of both parents, parents found new ways to be involved in the children’s play by getting them all together after school and on the weekends, giving birth to “play dates.”

If we fast forward to today’s world, parents are now increasingly involved in their adult children’s college life and in launching them into society, which is occurring developmentally later for many young adults.

Parents tell me they’re overwhelmed with their lifestyle and have little time to attend to the quality their marital relationship. I suggest to them that this is the time that they need to put their commitment and attention squarely on the quality of their marriage. I share with them the “co-pilot metaphor.”

When I fly on an airplane, as a passenger, I really only care about one thing. I care that the co-pilots have a great working relationship and together they will make sure that I fly safely and land at my destination. That’s how I know they care about me. The co-pilots work together in the cockpit and leave my needs to the crew of flight attendants who are paid to look after me.

I use this metaphor to emphasize an idea that your children, whether they know it or not, care about one important thing. They care that you, their parents, have a great relationship and a great marriage. They will get concerned about their safety, well-being and their future if they see you (i.e., the co-pilots in their family) constantly stressed out, not communicating or not getting along. To return to my metaphor, if I were to witness the co-pilots in the cockpit not getting along or not communicating well, my anxiety as a passenger on that airplane would rise quickly.

I have often said that the best gift you can give your children is to have a wonderful marriage. To have a quality marriage, you and your spouse must make a commitment to have the quality of your relationship be a top priority. Your children will be glad that you take some of your attention that you heap on them and put it on your marriage. As partners in parenting, you might find that you can let go a bit and learn to confidently say to your kids, like previous generations of parents have said, “Go play. Find something to do.”

Reference

Lythcott-Haims, J. (2015). How to raise an adult: Break free of the overparenting trap and prepare your kid for success. New York, New York: St. Martin’s Press.

Posted in Partnership Marriage