Stupid Fights

Martha and I have been married for over 41 years. In that time, we have had some pretty stupid fights. Of course, our arguments are never stupid when we are in the middle of them; they’re only stupid after the fights are over and we’ve had time to reflect.

• There was the time early in our relationship when we fought over the best way to open a tuna fish can. Really?
• There was the time we really got into it when we were wallpapering our living room together. Actually, there was very little togetherness that afternoon. I consider myself an expert in how to have a happy marriage. My advice: Don’t ever wallpaper with your spouse.
• There was the time when we were driving through Providence, Rhode Island, during a period of extensive highway construction and Martha was giving me directions on the best route to take. We got so lost. And…we got so mad at each other.

Today, in retrospect, Martha and I enjoy telling these stories as if these stupid fights added richness and depth to our lives. Truthfully, some of the stupid fights we’ve had over the years have come close to ending our marriage, or so it felt at the time.

When Martha and I quarrel (that’s a politically nicer way of saying “are having a stupid fight”), almost without exception, we are each being right and making the other person wrong. We especially like to recount the time when Martha came home from the grocery store, having bought hot dogs for a cookout and forgetting to buy hot dog buns. I said, indignantly, “You forgot to buy hot dog buns.” She said, “You go shopping next time.” She then marched out the door, got into the car and backed out the driveway. She didn’t notice that the backseat door was still open. The door caught the side of the house and, with a loud scraping noise, contorted backwards, twisting off its hinges. I rushed out of the house, Martha got out of the car and we were in a full-blown argument. We were in the world of “right-wrong” and “you or me.” I forced the door shut, she stormed off to get hot dog buns and our nice afternoon cookout was in serious jeopardy. When she returned from the store twenty minutes later, we each recognized quickly that we’d been making each other very wrong.

I saw instantaneously that I had reacted like a “horse’s ___.” Martha saw how she had reacted. We were able to recover fairly quickly because we were committed to having a nice afternoon with each other. We knew our lovely cookout was history unless we each owned our part in the stupid fight. We apologized and forgave each other and went about preparing the food for the grill.

I don’t want to say that all the arguments in our marriage have been stupid; many have helped us to clarify what is really important to us, learn how to stand our ground with each other and taught us to be real and authentic with each other. We don’t step over a lot. If something isn’t working for either one of us, we’ll speak up and get the issue resolved sooner than later.

Today, though, we can spot a stupid fight pretty quickly, stop on a dime and shift the outcome of our interaction. Early in our marriage, we could stay angry over little things for, say, weeks. Today, we tend to interrupt our “pea-brained” arguments in minutes. We stop. We give it up. We get on with what is much more important to us: Enjoying that sense of peace, caring and love that comes with us being whole and complete with each other. We also don’t tend to ruin our car doors or other personal possessions any more in fits of petty bile.

Posted in Partnership Marriage