Resolving Conflict Responsibility

In a successful marriage, a couple learns to solve issues and problems effectively and, in so doing, they strengthen their marriage. Along the way, though, it is safe to say that they also periodically experience obstacles to effective conflict resolution. Here are just a few:

• Blaming your partner is most likely the greatest obstacle for effective conflict resolution. It usually leads to defensiveness from your partner.
• Personalization is a form of judgment by attacking the other person in some way. Rather than separating the person from the problem, the other person “becomes” the problem. The two most common forms of personalization are labeling (“You are irresponsible”) and generalization (“You never listen to me”).
• Another obstacle to effective conflict resolution is leaving the topic of the discussion by bringing up another problem unrelated to the issue at hand. This is often done to defend oneself and to go on the offensive.
• Lastly, another way to stymie effective conflict resolution is to use polarizing language, such as expressing things in language that is “black and white,” “all or nothing” or “always vs. never.”

Fisher and Uri (1981) suggest that the purpose of negotiation or conflict resolution is to serve and reconcile each person’s interests, not their positions. Couples who engage in effective conflict resolution tend to focus on mutual values, rather than individual positions. Examples of common values are safety and security, economic well-being, a sense of relatedness, recognition, a sense of control over one’s life, quality of life, etc.

Adopting a point of view and being right about it actually tends to evoke a positional way of being from your partner. When this happens, any discussion may become a battle of wills over who is right and who is wrong. Such interaction tends to escalate a conflict rather than move it toward a mutually satisfying resolution.

An effective strategy for achieving conflict resolution starts with each partner communicating what’s important to them. It works to keep the focus of discussion on specific and concrete behavior, maintain an open and receptive stance to feedback and be flexible in seeing different ways of resolving the issue at hand. It also works to agree on specific outcomes and make requests and promises of each other for effective action.

Couples who resolve conflicts effectively see themselves as partners and view resolving conflicts as something that will strengthen their marriage.   When a couple has an effective arsenal of conflict resolution skills, there is no problem they cannot solve.

 Reference

Fisher, R., & Ury, B. (1981) Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.

Posted in Partnership Marriage