Phase 5: Reinvesting in Us

Martha and I are squarely in this phase of our marriage. We are actively supporting our three adult children in following their passions, building our own business enterprises, taking care of our health, enjoying visits with our three grandsons and thinking a lot about our financial security as we look ahead to the latter years of our lives together.

I was surprised to learn recently that the divorce rate among our cohort, i.e., baby boomer couples, is currently higher than the divorce rates for every other generation today. A primary reason for this trend may be that many baby boomer couples didn’t invest in the health and well-being of their relationship during earlier phases of their marital journey. These baby boomers are now dealing with the unhappy state of their marriages as their grown children are leaving home and their careers are winding down. I’ve had more people tell me about couples they know in this state of affairs!

It is my contention that many baby boomers today want to live lives that are creative, fulfilling and contributing on their own terms. If you are in this fifth stage of marriage, you may be feeling as though they are living parallel lives with your spouse. You may be yearning to reconnect with each other and rediscover a new purpose your lives and your marriage. Now is the time is to explore what you really care about. That might include taking on big projects like redoing your kitchen, volunteering in the community or writing a book as well as enjoying life’s simpler pleasures such as working in the garden and getting together with friends.

Martha and I have used our relationship as a resource to help each other to discover what we are passionate about, build our businesses, plan great vacations and enjoy time with our friends. We are finding that this stage of our lives is not necessarily a time to shrink back, but to step out boldly and contribute our unique gifts. Our partnership gives us a strong foundation for what we are building in our lives now.

Sarah Lawrence-Lightfoot (2009) suggests that many people at this time in life are willing to take big risks, be vulnerable and contribute to their family, community and wider society. Many older couples want to support each other in continuing to grow and develop in new and exciting ways.

In phase 5 of a partnership marriage, it is important that you have conversations for intimate connection, for clarifying what you are committed to and for being partners in writing the story of this next exciting chapter in your lives. It is a time to swing out, dream big and take risks…together in partnership.

Here are conversational tools that are important in Phase 5 of a partnership marriage:

• Nurture the Quality of Your Partnership. You want to reclaim time for yourselves to nurture your companionship, renew your passion and create romance. It is a time to plan special dates, weekend getaways and great vacations. It can be particularly fun to go on vacation to exotic lands with other couples you enjoy.
• Establish New Family Commitments. Have intentional conversations to clarify your relationship with important family members in your life. It is important to reassess your commitments to both your own parents and to your adult children.
• Ask “What’s Completing and What’s Opening Up?” Take stock of what you have accomplished and reflect on those dreams you have not yet attained. It is a time when letting go of past disappointments and hurts gives way to a new and exciting time of creativity, fulfillment and contribution.
• Dream New Dreams. Start dreaming again and, when you do, dream big. This is a time to have conversations “outside the box” and dare to do things you’ve never done before. What adventures to you want to create? What book are you thinking of writing? Are you ready to get your Ph.D.? How about running a marathon? How do you want to contribute?
• Create a New Purpose for Your Marriage. To this point in your lives, you and your spouse may have had as your main purpose the raising of healthy and happy children and launching them into life. Well, this is a great time to create a new purpose for you individually and for your marriage. This new purpose can be a simple statement of intention and commitment that is at the heart of the contribution you want to make.

If you are a baby boomer couple in this stage of marriage, I encourage you to reinvest in your partnership. I’ve heard people lament about their age and about getting older. The bigger problem is that, if you are a baby boomer, you may be living for two, three or four more decades! So, for those of you lucky enough to have a life partner and marriage that still has a warm, loving pulse, it’s time to turn up the heat and get on with creating a life you love…together!!

References

Lawrence-Lightfoot, S. (2009). The third chapter: Passion, risk, and adventure in the 25 years after 50. New York, New York: Sarah Crichton Books.

Miser, A. (2014). The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.

Posted in Partnership Marriage