Negotiating Roles and Responsibilities

One of the unrelenting, day-to-day realities for many couples today is getting all of the household responsibilities done to the satisfaction of both parties. How a couple works out their household roles and responsibilities can be the source of frustration and conflict or it can be the expression of effective teamwork.

It could be said that to have a successful marriage today, many dual income couples have to learn to negotiate their roles and responsibilities: the household tasks, the finances, parental roles, medical appointments, etc. In the 1950s, martial roles were more clearly defined. The role of women was to parent the children and take care of the household while the role of men was to work and earn the family income. When two people got married, they knew what they were signing up for. In today’s world, however, the rules for having a successful marriage have changed.

A significant problem for many couples, though, is that they don’t effectively negotiate the roles and responsibilities in their marriage and then fall into marital patterns that don’t work well in meeting the challenges of today’s demanding lifestyles. Many women still take care of the lion’s share of the household responsibilities and parenting activities even though they, like their husbands, are working full-time. Today, expectations for equality, fairness and choice in marriage require greater emphasis on managing household roles and responsibilities that fosters mutual satisfaction and a sense of teamwork.

If couples don’t have an effective and satisfying way to work out their household responsibilities, they can stumble along for quite some time, never quite feeling that they are “on the same page.” The lack of planning and alignment around completing household tasks can lead to resentment and regret, on-going conflict and frustration. Patterns of interactions can be created that may last for years. With a mutual commitment to fairness, equality and effectiveness, a couple does not have to put up with any of this.

When talking about who is going to do what in your household, it is important to align on what you both value in the negotiation process, in the agreements you adopt and in your experience of teamwork.

What is important to you when negotiating your roles and responsibilities? Examples might be:

• Suspending judgment
• Being free to brainstorm
• Respecting each other’s feelings and desires

What is important to you in the agreements you make to each other? Examples might be:

• Having choice
• Making sure the agreements are fair
• Following through with what is agreed to

What is important to you in your experience of teamwork? Examples might be:

• Experiencing being on the same team
• Being mutually satisfied
• Appreciating each other’s efforts

The values you both align on in the process of working out your roles and responsibilities can make a huge difference in your experience and expression of partnership in your marriage.

References

Miser, A. (2007) The art of negotiating household tasks. Complimentary report.

Posted in Partnership Marriage