Living a Valued Life

Whitworth, Kimsey-House, & Sandahl (1998) wrote that a valued life is a fulfilling life and living such a life is a “radical act.” When one thinks of the word “radical,” one thinks of going to an extreme, but this is not what is meant in this context. The dictionary definition of radical, as an adjective, is “of or from the root or roots, going to the center, foundation or source of something, fundamental, basic, as a radical principle.” A couple’s shared values form this kind of foundation for their relationship and become a source for their experience of the quality of their couple-ness.

By sharing about special times in your relationship, you can identify your shared values and what is important to you. In the following activity, talk together about a specific, special moment or time in your relationship when you both were excited about your relationship, felt love and affinity with each other and/or were enthusiastic about the future. This could be a time when:

• You first saw each other
• You both knew you cared for each other
• You had your first intimate conversation
• You both laughed so hard you thought you’d both split a gut
• You knew you were in love with each other
• You had a fight and made up in a loving way

Once you have identified a special or poignant time in your relationship, share with each other about it. Together recollect what is was like being with each other then. As you share with each other allow yourselves to experience the feelings, body sensations and experiences you had when you were together at that special time.

• Where were you?
• What were you doing?
• What was it like being there with each other?
• What were you feeling and experiencing?
• What were you aware of in the environment?
• What was happening?

As you share with each other, listen for what was important about this special time.

• Why was it you thought of this moment or time?
• What was important about this special time for each of you?
• What was important about this special time for your relationship?
• What values of your relationship are you now aware of?

As you converse together, identify at least three central values of your relationship. Examples of values might be togetherness, laughter, sharing, adventure, kindness, etc.  Take a moment and share with each other where you feel you are honoring those values in your relationship today.

• If these values are not being expressed in your relationship, what is displacing their expression?
• Where could you bring these three central values you’ve just identified into your lives now?
• What difference would that make?
• How could you keep these values in existence and have them expressed in your lives?

You will find the quality of your relationship is related to how well the two of you are honoring those values in your lives. And remember, that’s radical!

References

Webster’s New World Dictionary of the American Language, College Edition. (1957). New York: The World Publishing Company.

Whitworth, L., Kimsey-House, H, & Sandahl, P. (1998). Co-active coaching: New skills for coaching people towards success in work and in life. Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing.

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