“Let’s have a conversation”

In my relationship with my wife, Martha, one of us often says to the other, “Let’s have a conversation about _______________(fill in the blank).  The topic might be money, a home improvement project, a family member, our summer vacation or some issue.  We’ll pull out our calendars and schedule a time to have a conversation.

Earlier in our marriage, the invitation to talk sounded more like, “We need to communicate.” Even to this day, whenever one of us says that, we both know something is “wrong” and neither of us feel like talking.  We want to run the other way.  When this happens, whatever we “need” to talk about feels burdensome, significant and not much fun.

One of the things that we have learned to do in our relationship is to approach the circumstances of life, whatever they are, from the framework that there is nothing inherently wrong.  There may be something that isn’t working, but that is a whole lot different than something is wrong.

When we can look at any aspect of our lives from the framework of what’s working and not working, something amazing happens.  We step into teamwork and partnership.  We step onto the same playing field of life where we can work together.  There is greater freedom for one of us to say, “Let’s have a conversation about ____________”  without our partner wanting to run.

I’ve been thinking about what a conversation is.  Defined, a conversation is “an informal exchange of ideas.”  Whenever Martha and I are having a conversation, we are both listening to and hearing each other’s ideas, thoughts, feelings and opinions. I’ve also been thinking about what allows us to enjoy conversing with each other.  Here is what I came up with:

• We love any opportunity to be with each other where we feel we can “talk with,” rather than “talk at” each other.
• We hold each other as having an equal contribution in the conversation.
• We connect around what’s important to us
• We respect each other’s point of view
• We enjoy being jointly responsible for what’s happening in our lives
• We give each other permission to share ideas as well as bring up concerns
• We intend that the result of the conversation (being together) will be mutually satisfying
• We like to make plans of action to resolve problems, fulfill our joint intentions or manifest the visions we have for our life together

We know that when one of us says, “Let’s have a conversation,” we are sending an invitation to the other to connect, to hang out and to enjoy each other.  “We’ve got to talk” or “I’ve got something to communicate to you” never feels inviting.  There’s a problem.  There’s something wrong somewhere.

When you look in the dictionary, “con” means with and “verse” means a unit of lines in a poem or a song, a numbered division of chapters in the Bible or a passage in an anthem.  When you can converse with each other, you might just hear what you say to each other as poetic, musical or spiritual, bringing you closer together in your marriage. And that’s fun!

Posted in Partnership Marriage