I’d Be Happy If You Changed

I don’t know anyone who is married or in a long-term relationship who hasn’t thought at one time or another that they would be happier if their partner changed. If you haven’t had that thought, you’re a saint! “If my wife would only be on time more often, I’d be happy.” “If my husband would just do more of the housework, I’d be happy.” There is a big problem with this pattern of thinking. It can lead to much unhappiness.

If you think that you’d be happier if your spouse changed in some way, you are putting the responsibility for your happiness outside yourself. You know you can’t change your partner and by making them responsible for your happiness, you end up feeling powerless.  This message also sends the signal to your partner that they’re not OK the way they are. What is more, if you persist with this thinking, your partner will likely feel hurt, angry and unloved.

By accepting your partner, the way that he or she is and for the way he or she is not, you send a message of unconditional love. Your spouse doesn’t have to change to fulfill your happiness. In fact, it is in that moment of your acceptance that you will experience a profound love for your spouse.

In my relationship with Martha, this pattern of thinking was more prevalent early in our marriage. When I thought that she needed to change something about herself, she felt resentful and hurt. There were also things that she wanted me to change. The more we expected the other person to change, the more nothing changed and our relationship suffered.

Over time, we both learned that thinking “I’d be happy if you changed” wasn’t going to work in our relationship. When I want Martha to change, I am powerless and unhappy. When I accept Martha for exactly who she is, I experience my love for her. Nothing is wrong. Nothing needs to be changed. When you and your partner create that nothing is wrong with each other or your relationship, you will experience being in a state of wholeness. It is in that experience of love and wholeness that fulfills you and makes you both happy.

Posted in Partnership Marriage