Hooking Up and Hanging Out
I am learning a lot talking to my daughter about today’s dating culture. She sent me a New York Times article the other day on the end of courtship that described her experience to a tee – Hooking up and hanging out!
Young adults today have ways to instantly access their social network with text messaging, Facebook, Face Time and other social media. These great modern social technologies used to connect with people seem to be making it harder to meet someone special.
OK, I am going to date myself. I can remember calling Martha (my wife) for the first time to ask her out on a date. My parents had a rotary phone in the front hallway. I took the phone into the large walk-in front hall closet where I could get some privacy and I called Martha to ask her out to see a movie on the following Saturday night.
Those were the days when we had no message machines, smart phones, email, text messaging, Facebook, twitter, etc. If she didn’t pick up the phone, I couldn’t leave her a message. If the phone gave me a busy signal, I’d have to call her later. I had no instant way to get a message to her.
When we had our date, we went to downtown Hartford, walked around the newly constructed Constitution Plaza and went out to movie. We had a plan. We wanted to get to know each other. We weren’t casually hooking up or hanging out. We were on a date!
Today, getting together seems so spontaneous, so casual, and so “let’s see what happens.” Young adults don’t go on “traditional” dates any more. Using today’s technology allows people to avoid the anxiety of asking someone out on a date. I was very anxious and nervous when I called Martha for the first time. I was pretty sure she wanted to see me again after we first met, but I was still afraid to call her.
Today, it seems that instant messaging is a much easier way to avoid the uncomfortable feelings around connecting with someone. You can be casual. You can be non-committal. You can ask the person to join you and your friends. You can do the group thing and hope some “spark” happens.
Here are my recommendations. Whether you are female or male, you can ask someone for a date. It sounds like this, “Would you go out on a date with me?” They can say “Yes” or “No.”
Stop using all that technology. Put some thought into what you want to do with that person. Call the person up on the phone (like in the old days) and ask them out on a formal date with you. Let them know that you want to get to know them. Take sex off the table. Agree that both of you will contribute financially if that would work. Don’t go on the Internet to find out about them beforehand. Don’t ask your group of friends to join you.
Plan something together that would be special to do, just for the two of you. Have the whole evening be an opportunity to get to know each other. That’s the whole idea. Be curious about them. If you enjoy each other’s company, you can always go out on another date. Then again, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Asking someone on a date can be nerve racking. It can be anxiety provoking. It is also exciting. A date is fun. Over time, courting each other is really special.
Try this: If you want to get to know someone, let him or her know that. Don’t hookup. Don’t hangout. Get courageous. Ask them out on a date.
Posted in Partnership Marriage
