Healing Hurts and Reconnecting
One of the lessons that Martha and I have learned over the years is that, to build a strong loving partnership, it’s very important to regularly connect with each other. We are interested in how the other person is doing. We check in with each other, we converse, we plan and we connect.
When we argue, get frustrated or angry, we lose our loving connection with each other. No matter how hard it might be to resolve our issues with each other, however, we are committed to restoring that loving connection. That seems to be the work of a healthy long-term relationship: Connecting and reconnecting.
In the 41 years we’ve been married, Martha and I have said and done things that have hurt each other. We’ve never hurt each other physically. We have hurt each other’s feelings.
Early in our marriage, it could take days, weeks or even longer to get some hurt in our relationship resolved and to reconnect lovingly. I am happy to say that today, we do our best at not saying or doing things that will hurt each other, but when we do, we get those hurts resolved much more quickly. Here’s what we’ve learned.
Being sorry for what you have said or done that has hurt your partner’s feelings must come out of your commitment to restore wholeness in your relationship. Saying “I am sorry,” though, must be freely given with no expectation for forgiveness and the expression of being sorry must be in proportion to your understanding of the degree of hurt experienced by your partner.
When you apologize, you must be able to do so in a way that acknowledges the hurt your partner experiences, acknowledges your responsibility for what you said or did and expresses your intention to restore the loving connection between you. It is an expression of your commitment to the wholeness of your relationship.
When your apology is offered, forgiveness by your partner may not be immediately or freely given. Your partner must feel that your apology is heartfelt and that you understand just how hurt they feel. Your partner may need to say or express their feelings so as to be heard. They must understand that you get the impact of your behavior and accept your apology before they can forgive you fully.
When your partner is ready to forgive you, they are ready to make your relationship whole again. When forgiving you, they are ready to reconnect and let go of any resentment or feelings of ill will.
Being committed to reconnecting with love and respect allows you to resolve hurts in your relationship. Apology, forgiveness and commitment are powerful tools that you, as partners in life, can use over and over again to reconnect with each other and restore wholeness to your relationship, when your loving connection has ben broken.
With a strong commitment to sharing a loving connection with each other, you and your partner will learn to face the many inevitable difficulties that you are bound to have in your marriage with resilience and grace.
Posted in Partnership Marriage
