Having Rules for Fighting Fair

Because having arguments and conflicts are natural occurrences in marriage, working out rules for “fair fighting” can be very important. Fighting fair means that both individuals have a mutual commitment to care for each other and their relationship when arguments arise. Emotions might get heated, differing viewpoints might get expressed and the conversation at hand might be a very difficult one to have. Having rules for fighting fair allow a couple to work out their differences in a context of mutual respect and understanding.

Examples of fair fighting rules are:

• Having an agreement that you will be respectful, kind and understanding when engaged a difficult conversation.
• Having an understanding that arguments and conflicts can be resolved through a willingness to listen and understand each other.
• Being committed that the quality of your relationship is more important than being right.
• Having it be OK to disagree with each other.
• Agreeing to have a practice to set aside the time and the space in your calendar to have difficult conversations.
• Agreeing that when an argument or a conflict gets heated and tempers flare, either of you can call a time-out, signaling that you will talk about the issue at later time. When you both are calm, you agree to find a time when you can talk about the unresolved issue.
• Agreeing that when you get together to have a difficult conversation, you will talk only about the issue at hand and not about other concerns. You agree to stay focused on that one issue. If other problems arise, you agree to write them on a piece of paper and talk about them at a later time.

Such rules are intended to make sure that a couple can resolve arguments in such a way that both individuals feel respected and heard without anyone getting hurt. When a couple engages in hurtful arguments and conflicts, issues don’t not get resolved, needs don’t get met and disconnection in one’s relationship can result. The couple, at some point, will need to repair any hurt they may have experienced through apology, forgiveness and re-commitment to the agreements that they designed to nurture the quality of their relationship.

It is time well spent to have a conversation with your partner about the rules you have in your marriage in order to ensure that the two of you take care of each other and your relationship when you get into conflict.

Posted in Partnership Marriage