Giving Up Having to be Right

Everyone has a valid point of view. Every person’s point of view has a particular ‘rightness’ to it. The difficulty in a relationship often begins when one person holds too tightly onto their point of view as the only ‘right’ point of view. At that point, the person is ‘being right about being right.’  One partner has locked onto to his or her point of view as the right one. “I’m right and any other point of view is wrong.” Or, in one’s relationship, “I am right and you are wrong.”

“I’m right, you’re wrong” creates problems in a relationship. In fact, at the moment this occurs, people report that their experience of relationship is impacted negatively. When one person in the relationship is made to feel wrong because the other person is being ‘right,’ the cost to the experience of relatedness can be great. The costs can include a loss of affinity, a breakdown in communication, an expression of negative emotion, a lack of happiness, a cap on personal expression and a loss of connection. In other words, it is difficult be right about being right and have an experience of love and connection at the same time. At the moment this occurs, there is little understanding, compassion or appreciation for the point of view of the other person. They’re just wrong.

The world of ‘right-wrong’ creates a world of ‘you or me.’ There is little commitment to understanding each other. Understanding in a relationship, however, is the real prize; being right is the ‘booby’ prize. In his book, The Art of Listening, Nichols (1995) writes that the essence of understanding is empathy, which is achieved when we suspend our preoccupation with our own point of view and seek to appreciate the points of view or experiences of other people (Nichols, 1995). We must first acknowledge that the other person has an internal world and we can understand it, validate it and affirm the person’s experience. Such understanding and validation is crucial for sustaining a meaningful connection and a sense of respect and trust in a relationship.

So, what can you do when you see yourself being right and the quality of your relationship appears to be suffering (e.g., there’s loss of connection, self-expression and happiness)? You give up being right about being right. You don’t have to give up your point of view; you just give up having to be right and attached to your point of view. You very well may have a valid point of view, but holding tightly to it gives you no room to hear or understand another valid point of view (i.e., your partner’s). When you give up your attachment to being right, you create room for both points of view to be heard and considered. At that moment, you are powerfully related to each other. Neither of you has to be wrong. The impact of your understanding each other’s points of view will be greater connection and affinity, feelings of love and respect and an enhancement of the quality of the relationship you experience in your marriage.

 Reference

Nichols, M.P. (1995) The lost art of listening: How learning to listen can improve relationships. New York: The Guildford Press.

Posted in Partnership Marriage