The Gift of Understanding
Being able to listen to each other is fundamental to a loving relationship. In fact, listening is a much more powerful act than speaking. Listening to your partner grants them their self-expression. Your partner will feel enlivened when you listen to them. They will feel validated, seen and heard when you understand what they say. Through listening, you communicate to your partner that, “I see you and I hear you. I am present and attentive to your self-expression and I value what you are saying.”
Honoring, listening to and appreciating each other’s point of view is key to a satisfying relationship. This can be, however, a difficult proposition at times. If you are having communication difficulties, you may not be taking care to validate your partner’s perspective, you both may be attached to your own point of view, thereby not hearing your partner’s viewpoint or you may be disregarding each other’s views all together. When listening is ineffective, you and your partner will struggle with satisfying communication, which can lead to repeated frustration and upset.
Each of you in your marriage has your own unique perspective, your own view of the world. As you listen and validate each other’s points of view, you’ll give each other a powerful gift: the gift of understanding. You both will feel greater connectedness and see your lives together in a larger shared perspective. You will be able to see and understand aspects of your lives that may be outside your own viewpoint. A brief story will illustrate this point dramatically.
A man and a woman, who are walking together in the woods on a summer’s evening, stop to get a drink of water in a nearby brook. They turn to look at each other, whereupon the woman sees a large black bear standing right behind her partner, outside of his view. The man looks at the woman and sees a hunter with a rifle pointed at the back of her head. Her partner says to her, “There’s a man with a gun pointed at the back of your head!” and the woman says to her lover, “There’s a black bear right behind you!” Simultaneously, they duck, the hunter pulls the trigger and the bear drops to the ground. If the couple had neglected to validate each other’s point of view, disagreed with each other about what they each saw or disregarded each other’s viewpoint altogether, one can only imagine the outcome. Someone might have been mauled by the bear or have been shot by the hunter.
This couple’s capacity to extricate themselves from their difficult set of circumstances and to act effectively was directly related to their ability to understand the unique perspective of their partner in relationship to their own. To be effective, each person had to act on what the other person saw in coordination with what they perceived themselves. Their individual perspectives were not the same; they each needed their point of view to be heard, to be understood and to be considered valid by their partner. By including both points of view in the equation, however, the couple was able to understand their present circumstances in the larger context. With such understanding, the couple was able to take action that supported their relationship.
I’m reminded of many conversations Martha and I have had over the years when we each see a set of circumstances differently. When discussing money, I’ll say, “We’ve got to make more money.” Martha may say, “No. We must lower our expenses.” Or, when discussing our health, I’ll say, “We should exercise more often.” Then, Martha may say, “I think we should eat more nutritious foods.” In such conversations, if we each understand and consider both points of view, we will understand our lives in a bigger context and take effective action in partnership with each other. “Let’s cut expenses and make more money” or “Let’s eat better and exercise regularly.”
Posted in Partnership Marriage
