Dealing with Upsets in your Marriage
Problems, stress and upsets are part of the landscape for married couples. When partners get angry, frustrated or annoyed, their sense of well-being, connectedness and partnership can disappear quickly. How well you deal with each other when the applecart of your life gets turned upside down can make all the difference in how effectively and quickly you can restore happiness, balance and teamwork in your relationship.
A powerful perspective that you can embrace is that the circumstances of your life, in and of themselves, do not “cause” you to get upset, distressed or angered. The circumstances may set the occasion for your hopes, expectations and intentions to be dashed, but they do not in and of themselves “cause” you to be upset.
A little story illustrates this point. It is a Monday morning and Cindy and Joe, who are happily married, are on their way to the airport where Joe will catch a flight for his business trip. On the way, they stop at a nearby bank because Joe needs money for his trip. Cindy waits in the car while Joe gets cash from the walk-up ATM. All of a sudden, Cindy sees Joe get angry and frustrated, punch the machine and then kick the wall. When Joe returns to the car, Joe says, “I am really angry because there is no money available in our account. I have to catch my flight in an hour. I need cash.” Cindy and Joe drive back home where Joe gets the cash that is tucked away in the top drawer of his bedroom dresser. Joe is hassled, upset and out of sorts, but he makes his plane and everything works out.
A week later, Joe is back home from his trip. On the following Monday morning, Cindy and Joe head out for a drive in the country and they stop at the same ATM to get some extra cash. Joe goes up to the ATM and Cindy watches as Joe puts his bankcard in the ATM, looks at the screen and shrugs his shoulders. Joe walks back to the car and says, “There’s still no money available in our account. No problem. Let’s just go on.”
A week ago, Joe stood in front of the ATM punching and kicking the machine when no money was available. He told Cindy he was angry because there was no money available in his account. A week later, while standing at the same ATM at the same time in the morning, Joe shrugged his shoulders when he again found there was no money available and then said, “No problem.”
To understand how Joe reacted on each Monday morning, one must understand what was occurring from Joe’s point of view. On the two consecutive Monday mornings, Joe had two different intentions or expectations. On the first Monday morning, he had to catch a plane. He was in a hurry, he had to have money and he expected the money to be there in his account. When it wasn’t, he got frustrated to the point of punching and kicking the machine. On the second Monday morning, he and Cindy were going for a leisurely drive in the country. He may have expected money to still be unavailable in his account. When cash wasn’t available again, it was not a problem for him. Had the circumstances of receiving no cash from the ATM really “caused” Joe to get angry, he would have been just as upset as he had been on the first Monday. In contrast, he did not get upset at all; he and Cindy went for a drive into the country.
Distressful feelings, anger and frustration are a function of your relationship to your circumstances, not the circumstances themselves. You might find yourself upset when your partner doesn’t understand you, when your expectations are not met or when something you intend to happen, doesn’t happen. It can be disappointing not to be able to do what you want to do. It can be frustrating when things don’t go your way.
When you partner is upset, listen for what they are feeling and for what is happening. Validating their feelings and understanding what they need to say will help their upset to dissipate. Accepting their disappointment when their expected plans don’t work out will help them to calm. Aligning with them on a new course of action will help them to restore a sense of being in control when their plans and intentions have been dashed. Upsets won’t stick around. They will dissipate. These are ways you can support your partner in restoring the applecart of their life and well-being in your marriage when things go awry.
Posted in Partnership Marriage
