Creating Fairness in Marriage
I learned many lessons about being a good husband and partner in marriage growing up with my twin brother, Wendel. One of them was about fairness in relationship.
Growing up, Wendel and I paid less attention to whether we looked alike and more attention on making sure that whatever one of us received, the other got as well. On our birthday, one of us would cut the cake and the other would choose the first piece! We were interested in equality and fairness.
In the 1970s, when Martha and I were married, the marital landscape was changing rapidly and the rulebook for a successful marriage was being rewritten. Martha and I wanted to have a marriage based in equality, fairness and choice, but we didn’t quite know how to achieve that.
In the first three years of our marriage, we had a haphazard way of figuring out who was going to do what. The more traditional marriage we both grew up with gave us gender roles that we could fall back on, but neither of us was very happy with the way we were sorting out our household responsibilities.
My father managed the money in my family and I assumed that taking care of the finances would be my job in my marriage. For the first year, I managed the budget and paid the bills. I had a rude awakening when Martha requested taking over managing the finances in our second year. That didn’t seem right to me, but I capitulated and gave up that job to her.
In the third year of our marriage, Martha and I went back to the drawing board, made a list of all household chores that needed to be done. Taking turns, we each chose tasks for which we’d be responsible. We felt we had found a way to arrive at fairness in our marriage. Throughout the years, when the circumstances of our lives have changed, we have gone back to this very simple way of renegotiating responsibilities.
In the latter decades of the twentieth century, many husbands and wives both worked and became dual income earners. Couples were finding new ways to bring greater equity into their marriages. More men became involved in child rearing and home care and more women became involved in the financial well being of the family. Today, however, many women continue to be responsible for the lion’s share of household responsibilities.
Interestingly, we may get guidance from research with same-sex couples. In an article in the Atlantic in June 2013, Liza Mundy presents evidence that same-sex partners are more egalitarian than heterosexual couples at figuring out household arrangements because they don’t have to contend with pre-existing gender norms and assumptions that often hinder heterosexual couples in this important arena of their relationships.
If you are interested in creating greater fairness in your marriage, I suggest that you and your partner view yourselves as equal contributors to the health and well being of your marriage. Become aware of your preconceived ideas and beliefs about marriage and your role in it. Be willing to give up some of those predetermined notions about marriage so you can create the kind of marriage you want together.
Your willingness to go “back to the drawing board” with a commitment to an agreed upon arrangement that is ultimately mutually satisfying for both of you can make all the difference. A sense of fairness is achieved when neither of you feels overburdened or taken advantage of. Also, it is important that you both understand that, if something is not working, you can renegotiate your responsibilities at any time.
Martha and I have learned that our arrangements with each other are fair when they feel right to both of us. We each know that the agreements we work out and promise each other are an honest expression of our commitment to having our marriage work for both of us.
We know that fairness can’t be measured with an objective ruler. Ultimately, Martha and I must look each other in the eye and say that what we have arrived at is “fair.”
By the way, in our relationship, no matter who cuts the cake, I always get the bigger piece! And…we both think that’s fair.
Reference
Mundy, L. (June, 2013). The gay guide to wedded bliss. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/06/the-gay-guide-to-wedded-bliss/309317/
Posted in Partnership Marriage
