Childhood Lessons in Equality

I was born an identical twin, one of two. My childhood and early teenage years orbited around my relationship with my twin brother, Wendel. We were “the twins,” a twosome, a couple, before we became individuals. As young adults, we went to very different colleges, moved to different areas of the country, pursued different careers and married two extraordinary women. Wendel was my first partner in life.

I’m now writing a book about how couples can create an enduring and fulfilling partnership in their marriage. Much of what I’ve learned about being a good husband and partner I first learned in childhood as a twin. Even though our “sameness” was most prominent to others, I knew early on that we were also different from each other. Although we were identical twins, we never saw each other as the same. We saw ourselves as equal. We made sure that we each had the same opportunities as the other. We took turns. We always considered what the other wanted to do. We didn’t try to dominate one another or deliberately try to be better than our twin.

Fairness and choice defined our relationship. On our birthday, I might cut the cake and Wendel would choose the first piece. What one of us received, the other got as well. We enjoyed being together. I had a built-in playmate. I had a built-in partner. We were not all that competitive. If we played on the same sports team, we loved to win together. It was much harder when one of us won a sporting contest and the other lost. Our yearbook quote was, “United we stand, divided we fall.” Equality, fairness, choice and winning together were all important lessons that I learned growing up. We also learned that we are distinct individuals. Each of us has made our own unique contributions in our careers and to those people in our lives. Today, we celebrate our individuality as much as we do our twin-ship.

Upon reflection, my wife, Martha, and I have created a relationship that rests on the same set of values. The challenge for me as a twin was to forge my own identity distinct from Wendel, while ultimately being able to celebrate our twinship. My challenge with Martha has been to create a fulfilling and enduring partnership in marriage where we both could express our individuality to the fullest. We learned that our very different contributions to the health and well-being of our marriage have equal value. We learned to care about fairness in our relationship. We learned to consider each other’s needs and wants in making our own choices. We have learned that for our marriage to work, it has had to work for both of us, individually and collectively.

In his extensive study on equality in marriage, Steil (1997) expressed his vision of the potential benefits of marital equality for husbands, wives and their relationship this way:

“In equal relationships, men have the opportunity to relinquish the mantle of total economic responsibility and family dependency, to involve themselves in parenting and to more fully express their emotional and nurturing selves. Women have the opportunity to develop themselves professionally, develop a sense of self independent of their husband and their children, and achieve economic independence and higher self-esteem (Gilbert & Rachlin, 1987). Finally, men and women together have the opportunity to be part of more intimate relationships based on mutual reliance and respect that is so important to a satisfying relationship and to both husbands’ and wives’ well-being.” (p. 115)

Since the 1970s, many husbands and wives, like Martha and me, have been reformulating their marriages in the spirit of equality, fairness and choice. Thanks to my relationship to my twin brother, I feel that I got a good head start.

References

Gilbert, L. A. & Rachlin, V. (1987). Mental health and psychological functioning of dual-career families. The Counseling Psychologist, 15, 7 – 49.

Steil, J. M. (1997). Marital equality: Its relationship to the well-being of husbands and wives. London: Sage Publications.

Posted in Partnership Marriage