Marshall Rosenberg (2005) examined the role that language plays in helping people to be compassionate with each other when communicating their needs, wants and requests of each other.  He says that when human beings are communicating from the heart and connecting authentically with each other they are communicating with compassion. He is interested in how human beings can be human with each other even in difficult conversations.

Rosenberg’s model of compassionate communication assists couples in how they can express themselves with each other, not in a reactive way, but in a conscious way with honesty and empathy, so that their deepest needs are taken into consideration. The four basic components of compassionate communication are:

• Be observant. Observe what is actually happening (specific actions) in a situation that is affecting your well-being. In other words, learn to observe and acknowledge what happened and what is so without being judgmental or making anyone or anything wrong.
• Express what you are feeling. State what you feel in relation to what you are observing. In other words, learn to simply identify and articulate what you are feeling without any justification.
• Say what you need. State your needs, values or desires that are connected to the feelings you are having. Learn to clearly say what is important to you.
• Make a request. Make a specific request that addresses what you want from your partner. Remember that in making a request, you are allowing your partner to choose ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or make you a counter proposal.

This way of communicating fosters a way of being together in difficult conversations and allows you to respect each other, listen deeply and display empathy for each other. It is a way of communicating that creates a mutual desire to share from one’s heart and to connect compassionately with another.

Reference

Rosenberg, M. (2005) Non-violent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, California: Puddle Dance Press.

I develop workshops that are designed for couples who are interested in expanding passion, play and partnership in their marriage. In my courses, called Partners in Living, couples work on areas of their life where they want to experience greater alignment, freedom and power. Through facilitated activities and fun exercises, couples envision a future for their marriage that excites and fulfills both of them and they take action together to make their vision a reality.  Couples become aware of and inspired by the special contribution they make to the people in their lives. By course completion, couples experience being deeply connected with each other and the life they wish to create.

As a couple, participating in the Partners in Living programs, you will specifically:

• Explore what you value and find fulfilling as individuals and as partners
• Connect with the wisdom of yourselves and your partnership
• Design perspectives that give you freedom and power in your life together
• Create a vision for your relationship and a commitment to that vision
• Envision a future as an expression of your partnership
• Design a partnership project(s) and to be in action together powerfully
• Appreciate one another as partners in life.

I offer my courses to individual couples, to small groups of couples or to larger groups of 10 or more couples.  The format of my Partners in Living courses vary depending on the individual couple or group of couples that commit to take the course.  The Partners in Living courses can take place in the evening over the course of several months or on the weekends over the course of several weeks.  The dates, times and locations of the course are designed with the participating couples.

If you are interested in talking with me about a Partners in Living program for yourselves as an individual couple or for a group of couples, please email me at almiser@elysianenterprises.net or call me at 617-942-2757.

Webster’s dictionary defines alignment as “the act of bringing into close cooperation, to ally with, to associate with, or to side with.” Couples who see themselves as partners in life together tend to be aligned on their values, in their lifestyle, and in their vision for their relationship and their future. When something in their life together is not working or is creating a misalignment, partners will work together to resolve the issue to get back into alignment with each other. Being in alignment, like being in balance, is a truing mechanism for a couple that is committed to partnership.

Two people in a partnership stand powerfully and freely side by side in life. In giving advice on marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said “And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Like two pillars, partners stand side by side, aligned and committed to the quality of their relationship.

I have written a complementary report discussing the power of alignment in marriage.  This paper identifies five distinct areas of life where being in alignment can make a big difference for any couple that is committed to having a creative and self-expressed partnership. Those five areas include the perspectives they share with respect to each other and their relationship, the values they share in their lives together, the vision they have for their relationship in the world, the future they visualize for their life together and the projects and committed action to which they commit to realize their dreams. Being in alignment in these five areas of your life can give you and your partner access to the shared experience of possibility, partnership and passion for living.

If you’d like to download and read the entire complementary report, please click on the following link: http://www.elysianenterprises.net/partnership-marriage/partnership-marriage-resources

Reference

Gibran, K. (1923) The Prophet. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, Publishers

You know those times in your marriage when everything is hunky dory and one of you starts a simple little conversation about something that is a little prickly. You are about to do something together like go out to dinner or go play tennis or visit friends and one of you says, “Our checking account is almost out of money, we need to be better at budgeting.” Or, “Johnny failed his test yesterday.” Or, “When are you going to clean the garage?” That simple little statement or question launches you both into an argument that completely takes you away from what you were about to do and you find yourselves bickering and arguing with each other. My wife, Martha, and I, have learned to call a ‘Do over’ when that happens to have us refocus on what we are committed to in that moment and be able to shelve the issue for a later date.

Martha and I celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary while we were living in Amsterdam. It was August 10, 2004. For weeks we looked forward to this special day as we were planning to go out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. That evening, we got all gussied up and, as we were putting our coats on to go out the door, one of us said something (I don’t remember what) that sparked bickering back and forth. It could have been an issue with one of our children, a concern about money or who was going to go shopping for food in the morning.

We bickered down the stairs, out the door, across the street, all the way to the tram stop where we were catching the city tram to go to the restaurant. We were lost in bickering. I was quite certain that I was right about whatever I was saying and Martha was quite certain she was right about what she was saying. We were so occupied in our verbal sword fight that we had lost track of the whole purpose of what we were doing. We stood there at the tram stop arguing about that very insignificant and ridiculous issue as the tram pulled up and opened its doors.

At that moment, we were both jettisoned back to the present moment. We stood there, looking at each other, as the tram doors beckoned. We simultaneously saw the folly of our situation. We were heading out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary and we were knee deep in a pile of verbal do-do. There was a long pause. Then, as if by magical combustion, we conjured up a very radical and completely silly idea in our momentary lunacy. We called, “Do over!”

We turned away as the doors closed and the tram pulled away from the stop and we walked in silence back toward our apartment. We crossed the street, climbed the stairs to our second-floor apartment, unlocked the door and went upstairs into the living room to the very spot where we had started bickering. We briefly stood with each other in silence, breaking into wide smiles.

We hugged and then turned once again toward the door this time hand in hand to head out into an evening where we would celebrate both thirty wonderful years of marriage and one small victory over the kind of righteousness that puts an end to a perfectly planned special occasion!

Next time you find yourselves in one of those verbal sword fights, call a ‘Do over!’

Because having arguments and conflicts are natural occurrences in marriage, working out rules for “fair fighting” can be very important. Fighting fair means that both individuals have a mutual commitment to care for each other and their relationship when arguments arise. Emotions might get heated, differing viewpoints might get expressed and the conversation at hand might be a very difficult one to have. Having rules for fighting fair allow a couple to work out their differences in a context of mutual respect and understanding.

Examples of fair fighting rules are:

• Having an agreement that you will be respectful, kind and understanding when engaged a difficult conversation.
• Having an understanding that arguments and conflicts can be resolved through a willingness to listen and understand each other.
• Being committed that the quality of your relationship is more important than being right.
• Having it be OK to disagree with each other.
• Agreeing to have a practice to set aside the time and the space in your calendar to have difficult conversations.
• Agreeing that when an argument or a conflict gets heated and tempers flare, either of you can call a time-out, signaling that you will talk about the issue at later time. When you both are calm, you agree to find a time when you can talk about the unresolved issue.
• Agreeing that when you get together to have a difficult conversation, you will talk only about the issue at hand and not about other concerns. You agree to stay focused on that one issue. If other problems arise, you agree to write them on a piece of paper and talk about them at a later time.

Such rules are intended to make sure that a couple can resolve arguments in such a way that both individuals feel respected and heard without anyone getting hurt. When a couple engages in hurtful arguments and conflicts, issues don’t not get resolved, needs don’t get met and disconnection in one’s relationship can result. The couple, at some point, will need to repair any hurt they may have experienced through apology, forgiveness and re-commitment to the agreements that they designed to nurture the quality of their relationship.

It is time well spent to have a conversation with your partner about the rules you have in your marriage in order to ensure that the two of you take care of each other and your relationship when you get into conflict.

Parents with children who have developmental and medical disabilities have in common a number of family dilemmas that they deal with on a day-to-day basis. Many parents are comforted when they find out they are not alone in their experience and they gain strength in coping with their unique circumstances when they understand that many of the difficulties they are facing are common to other families with children with disabilities.

The word “dilemma” aptly describes the kind of difficulties that these families tend to encounter every day. A dilemma, defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary, is “a perplexing or awkward situation.” In such circumstances, parents may find it difficult to navigate or to see things clearly. Such circumstances require parents to problem solve, to come to grips with what is going on, and to seek help from other people and professionals. Feeling confused, not knowing what to do or where to turn, feeling sad and being alone are all common experiences for parents with children with developmental disabilities. The word “dilemma” points to the nature of the circumstances with which these families must learn to cope.

There is a good deal of research to suggest that one of the adaptive responses that parents make to the birth of a child with a disability is to attribute positive meanings to the circumstances in which they find themselves (Patterson, 1991; Austin & McDermott, 1988; and Antonovsky & Sourani, 1989). Couples will find interpretations to make their situations more manageable, adopt positive attitudes toward their child’s disability, shift expectations of what can be done, identify growth and capabilities in their child, or acknowledge the child’s contribution to their family as a whole. Over time, such ways of shifting the perspective through which they are viewing their life circumstances can aid significantly in helping couples heal family trauma and foster family well-being.

I wrote a paper with Susan Rosano in 2006 that specifically distinguishes eight specific family dilemmas and suggests ideas for dealing with them. First, this paper looks at the nature of each dilemma from the point of view or from the experience of the parents or the family as a whole. Then, this paper examines what might be the task of the family over time in dealing with the specific dilemma that they are encountering. Third, different empowering contexts or perspectives are identified that parents can generate to assist them in experiencing a sense of wholeness and well-being in dealing with each dilemma.  This paper highlights the transformative effect of shifting perspectives when parents are dealing with the family dilemmas of raising a child with special needs.

If you’d like to download and read the entire paper, please click on this link: http://www.elysianenterprises.net/personal-fulfillment/personal-fulfillment-resources/

References

Antonovsky, A. & Sourani, T. (1989) Family sense of coherence and family adaptation. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 50, 79-92.

Austin, J.K. & McDermott, N. (1988) Parental attitude and coping behavior of children with epilepsy. Journal of Neuroscientific Nursing, 20, 174-179.

Miser, A. & Rosano, S. (2006) From challenge to joy: Transforming common dilemmas for parents raising children with developmental and medical disabilities. Unpublished paper.

Patterson, J.M. (1991) Family resilience to the challenge of a child’s disability. Pediatric Annals, 20(9), 491-499.

One of the unrelenting, day-to-day realities for many couples today is getting all of the household responsibilities done to the satisfaction of both parties. How a couple works out their household roles and responsibilities can be the source of frustration and conflict or it can be the expression of effective teamwork.

It could be said that to have a successful marriage today, many dual income couples have to learn to negotiate their roles and responsibilities: the household tasks, the finances, parental roles, medical appointments, etc. In the 1950s, martial roles were more clearly defined. The role of women was to parent the children and take care of the household while the role of men was to work and earn the family income. When two people got married, they knew what they were signing up for. In today’s world, however, the rules for having a successful marriage have changed.

A significant problem for many couples, though, is that they don’t effectively negotiate the roles and responsibilities in their marriage and then fall into marital patterns that don’t work well in meeting the challenges of today’s demanding lifestyles. Many women still take care of the lion’s share of the household responsibilities and parenting activities even though they, like their husbands, are working full-time. Today, expectations for equality, fairness and choice in marriage require greater emphasis on managing household roles and responsibilities that fosters mutual satisfaction and a sense of teamwork.

If couples don’t have an effective and satisfying way to work out their household responsibilities, they can stumble along for quite some time, never quite feeling that they are “on the same page.” The lack of planning and alignment around completing household tasks can lead to resentment and regret, on-going conflict and frustration. Patterns of interactions can be created that may last for years. With a mutual commitment to fairness, equality and effectiveness, a couple does not have to put up with any of this.

When talking about who is going to do what in your household, it is important to align on what you both value in the negotiation process, in the agreements you adopt and in your experience of teamwork.

What is important to you when negotiating your roles and responsibilities? Examples might be:

• Suspending judgment
• Being free to brainstorm
• Respecting each other’s feelings and desires

What is important to you in the agreements you make to each other? Examples might be:

• Having choice
• Making sure the agreements are fair
• Following through with what is agreed to

What is important to you in your experience of teamwork? Examples might be:

• Experiencing being on the same team
• Being mutually satisfied
• Appreciating each other’s efforts

The values you both align on in the process of working out your roles and responsibilities can make a huge difference in your experience and expression of partnership in your marriage.

References

Miser, A. (2007) The art of negotiating household tasks. Complimentary report.

There is no one set of values that a couple can adopt that will form the basis of an enduring, fulfilling marriage partnership. Each couple co-creates the values that are important to their relationship.  John Gottman (1994), a marriage researcher and expert, studied 2000 different couples and found that there were three stable forms of marriage, each formed on the basis of a different structure of values.

1. The ‘validating couple’ listens to each other’s points of view, attempts to understand their partner and then finds a compromise. These couples tend to value friendship and emphasize the “we-ness” of their relationship. They value communication, openness, affection and sharing their time, activities and interests with each other.

2. The ‘volatile couple’ communicates from their own points of view and attempts to persuade each other. They are less interested in understanding each other’s points of view. They value openness and self-expression and they are willing to share both negative and positive emotions with each other. They value equality and independence in their relationship.

3. The ‘avoiding couple’ values peace and harmony in their relationship. When in conflict, these couples agree to disagree and avoid conflict where they feel they are going to get stuck. They minimize conflict and value a common understanding of important commitments they have in their relationship, but sharing and companionship are less important.

Couples in successful marriages create a structure of values that forms the basis of their partnership. Gottman (1994) has found that all three kinds of couples can have very successful marriages if they are true to what is important to them and if there is a healthy balance of positive and negative feelings and actions towards one another. When a couple is aligned in their values, their interactions with each other will be an expression of what is important in their relationship. When their behavior with each other is not in accordance with their values, they will experience a misalignment between what they say is important to them and how they behave in their relationship. If this misalignment is great, serious problems can present themselves over time.

Reference

Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon and Schuster.

One of the ideals in a partnership marriage is that both individuals can fulfill their commitment to self-expression, personal growth and life goals inside of marriage today. Most couples recognize that they must continually grow and develop throughout their life together or their marriage will stagnate. That, however, requires a commitment from both partners to support each other’s personal and professional growth and development as well as that of their relationship and their marriage. Today, this is the challenge in creating a fulfilling marriage over a lifetime.

In the 1970s, marriage was redefined in the courts as a relationship between two equal human beings. New views of human development across the life span altered the way in which people thought about their own personal and professional development. Also, many people were awakening to their self-development in the new human potential movement. The prevalent value of growing and developing across a lifetime put new pressures on marriage to be a vehicle for personal fulfillment for both individuals.

Cherlin (2009) suggests that today there are two completing cultural models in America, the value of marriage as a stable form of family life and the value of expressive individualism which emphasizes the development of one’s sense of self. He suggests that these conflicting cultural models have contributed to the high divorce rate that we have seen in this country over the past forty years. A vast majority of people value marriage greatly, yet, they know that if they are not growing, self-expressed or happy inside their marriage, they can end their marriage in divorce.

A commitment to creating a partnership marriage resolves the seemingly inherent conflict between the values of marriage and individualism. Partnership marriage requires the focus for both spouses on their own growth and development as well as that of their relationship. One’s individualism does not have to be sacrificed for the sake of one’s partnership. Also, partnership in one’s marriage does not have to be sacrificed for the sake of one’s individualism. Each person’s growth and development can be nurtured and supported by their marriage and, thus, the marriage itself grows and develops!

Reference

Cherlin, A.J. (2009). The Marriage-Go-Round: The state of marriage and family in America today. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

Coontz (2005) writes that married couples today “need to be more intentional about their lives and about the reasons and the rituals that help them stay together.”  Doherty (2001) suggests that there are two kinds of marital commitment: The tentative commitment and the permanent commitment.  When couples make a tentative commitment, they are committed to be together as long as they make each other happy, as long as they trust each other and as long as they as they get their needs met. He refers to this kind of commitment as a “conditional” marriage.  When couples make a permanent commitment, they are saying to each other, “I am committed no matter what.” In other words, there is no condition. There is no “as long as.”

Doherty (2001) suggests that there are three aspects of an intentional marriage:

• First, an intentional marriage requires having the steadfast commitment of both individuals to their marriage.  Couples must make their relationship a top priority and focus on the quality of life they intend to create together. This requires being in constant communication with each other around day-to-day activity, sharing with each other about what’s important in their lives, talking about the future they envision together and creating plans and projects to fulfill the future they want for themselves.
• Second, an intentional marriage requires having many shared activities in the marriage for connection, intimacy and conversation.  Doherty (2001) suggests that, in an intentional marriage, couples find ways to foster their commitment to and connection with each other. Many couples repeatedly put their children or their careers first without investing the time and energy into their relationship.  Over the long run, this can be detrimental to the quality of their marriage.
• Third, an intentional marriage requires having a  community of family members and friends supporting one’s marriage.  Couples who develop a network of mutual friends, who care for and stand for their relationship, create a supportive social community for their marriage.  Couples, individually and collectively, find ways to contribute to their wider community through civic participation, educational pursuits, creative projects or spiritual endeavors.

Doherty (2001) suggests that one of the great benefits of an intentional marriage is that a couple can take the long view of their life together. This allows them to trust that they can overcome any obstacle, re-align their vision and goals as they need to, learn and grow together, care and accept each other and re-invent their marriage along the way.  Intentional marriage, then, is more than just requiring a one-time commitment; it requires a commitment to the quality of one’s marriage day in and day out.

References

Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: How love conquered marriage. New York, New York: Penguin Books.

Doherty, W.J. (2001). Take back your marriage: Sticking together in a world that pulls us apart. New York: The Guilford Press.