If you are having difficulty accepting something about your spouse or how your marriage is going, you may start to be aware that there is a way that you are being that is contributing to your unhappiness. Just below the surface of your judgments, attitudes and assessments, there is a framework through which you may be viewing your circumstances. That framework is called “I’m right.”

Of course, your point of view is valid and always has a particular “rightness” to it, given that it is the only point of view you can have at any particular moment in time. The difficulty in your relationship begins when you become attached to your viewpoint as the right point of view. “I’m right that I am right.” Or “I am right and you are wrong!”

“I’m right, you’re wrong” is a perspective that creates problems in your relationship. When one of you makes your partner wrong, the cost to your experience of being in relationship is significant. The costs include a loss of affinity, a breakdown in communication, a closing down of self-expression and a loss of connection.

At the moment that “I’m right, you’re wrong” occurs, the experience of being related or your sense of “us” disappears. In other words, you can’t be right about being right and have an experience of being lovingly related to your spouse at the same time. At that moment, there is no compassion or appreciation for your spouse’s point of view. They are just wrong.

The world of “right-wrong” creates a world of “me or you.” There is little commitment to understanding each other. There is only interest in being right, being justified or dominating your partner with your point of view. The problem is that to have a happy and healthy relationship and marriage, this way of being doesn’t work. Having to be right drives a wedge in your relationship and fosters disconnection in your marriage.

When Martha and I quarrel, almost without exception, we are each being right and making the other person wrong. We like to recount the time when Martha came home from the grocery store, having bought hot dogs for a cookout and forgetting to buy hot dog buns. I said, indignantly, “You forgot to buy hot dog buns.” She said, “You go shopping next time.” She then marched out the door, got into the car and backed out the driveway. She didn’t notice that the backseat door was still open. The door caught the side of the house and, with a loud scraping noise, contorted backwards, twisting off its hinges. I rushed out of the house, Martha got out of the car and we were in a full-blown argument. We were in the world of “right-wrong” and “you or me.” I forced the door shut, she stormed off to get hot dog buns and our nice afternoon cookout was in serious jeopardy. When she returned from the store twenty minutes later, we each recognized quickly that we’d been making each other very wrong. We apologized and forgave each other and went about preparing the food for the grill.

So, what do you do when you see yourself being right and the quality of your relationship appears to be suffering (e.g., there’s a loss of connection, self-expression and happiness)? What works is to be more committed to understanding each other than being right or justified in your point of view. In other words, you give up being right. You don’t have to give up your point of view; you just need to give up being attached to your point of view. You give up being right about being right!

You may very well have a valid point of view, but holding tightly to it gives you no room to hear or understand your partner’s valid point of view. When you give up your attachment to your point of view, you create room for both points of view to be heard and considered. At that moment, being related to each other occurs powerfully because you each see that you are not your point of view, you simply have one.

If you can observe that you simply have a point of view rather than being attached to your point of view, you can then examine it, alter it or have a whole new way of seeing something that includes both your points of view. No one has to be wrong. The impact will be understanding, connection and affinity, love and respect and an enhancement of the quality of your relationship with each other.

The art of negotiating household chores starts with a commitment to teamwork, workability and effectiveness. You and your partner simply need a piece of paper, a pen, and time set aside to talk to each other. If you follow the following guidelines for negotiating household activities, you may find yourselves with a lot more time, space and energy to do all the other things you love!

Align on Important Values in the Negotiation Process

Set aside an hour or two to accomplish this activity. One of the first things you can do is to align on what is important to both of you in the process and in the agreements you make. For instance, it may be important to you that the arrangement is “win-win,” in other words, that you both have the experience of being satisfied. If either one of you is not satisfied with the process or outcome, the negotiation is not complete. Also, it will most likely be important to you that the arrangement you negotiate is fair and equitable. Since there will be no external basis on which to judge fairness, you need rely on your intuitive sense that the commitments you both make are indeed fair.   One additional requirement may be that you both experience having a choice in the matter.   A discussion of values, such as satisfaction, fairness and equality at the beginning of the process is an important first step.

Write Down Every Household Task You Can Think Of

Next, write down every household task you can think of that has to be completed around the house. For instance, the list may include taking care of the money, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking care of the cars, dusting, cooking, feeding the dog, etc. Put each discreet activity on one list. You might be surprised that the list you come up with is shorter than you thought and that you both know what needs to be done around the house to have your lives run smoothly together.

Agree on What’s Involved in Each Household Task

After you have made the complete list of household tasks, talk with each other about what is involved in completing each task and what a completed task looks like. You may find that this arena is where you have the greatest differences of opinion. For instance, you each may wash the dishes differently. Once you agree on what each household task involves, take turns choosing household tasks.

Take Turns Choosing Household Tasks

Start with a flip of a coin if you need to. Take turns looking at your list and choosing an activity that you will be completely responsible for. You choose a household task and then your partner chooses one. Choose another and have your partner choose again. It is important that each of you have the freedom to choose with the understanding that, if you choose an activity, it will be your responsibility to regularly complete that household task to your mutual satisfaction. Toward the end of the process, you may notice that there are several tasks that neither of you want to do. That is OK. Take some additional time, break down what is involved and come up with a negotiated settlement. You may find that you can do this with relative ease.

Make Agreements

One of the things you may notice in the negotiation process is that you may tend to choose activities that conform to sex role stereotypes. It works to agree that neither of you will tell your partner how to do their household tasks as long as what gets accomplished leaves you both satisfied. Of course, if either one person completes a household activity and the result does not meet the agreed upon criteria, the other person has the right to object or complain. You can adopt a very useful rule in your marriage: Each of you has the right to complain only when the other person is not fulfilling an explicit agreement that you have previously negotiated.

Having Time and Space

You may find that the nice part about negotiating household activities in this way is that much of your day-to-day bickering and complaining about what is not getting done clears up. Expectations will be clarified and you will find yourselves more satisfied with how things are going around the house. If there is a problem, you will get to the problem much faster. Sometimes one of you will not do what you agreed to do. If your arrangement is not working, you can renegotiate. Over time, you will find yourselves able to negotiate these activities with greater ease. Whenever one of you says you will be responsible for an activity, the other person can be fairly certain that it will get done.

For many couples, life can seem out of balance at times. You and your partner may feel that you have too much on your plate and not enough time in the day to get everything done. Managing all your responsibilities and commitments can crowd out your commitment to the quality of your relationship and the well-being of your marriage.

When you feel that your lives are out of balance, your commitments can begin to occur to you as obligations. You feel that you have little or no choice. “We need to get some exercise. We’ve got to paint the bathroom. We have to buy another car. We should go to the theater more often.” Life can begin to seem like an endless “to do” list where priorities become unclear and activities are not getting done.

When having a sense of choice is no longer present, it is easy to be reactive and to take on points of view that don’t serve you or your relationship. Viewpoints as to “the way it is” can begin to take root. “We don’t have any time.” “It’s impossible for us to get anything done.” “It’s hard to stay on track.” When choice is absent and disempowering perspectives hold sway, it is easy for you to feel out of balance.

There are several actions you can take when you are feeling out of balance. First, have a conversation to identify what areas in your lives are out of balance and where you feel you have little choice. You can assess the various domains of your life—your home, your health, your children, your recreation, your finances, etc.—by determining how satisfied you are in each area on a scale of 1 to 10 and how much choice you feel you have in the various areas of your life.

Choose an area that you want to focus on and identify any shared disempowering perspectives in those areas of your life where you feel out of balance. Have a conversation to examine the impact of those disempowering points of view on your sense of connection with each other.

You can choose to give up a viewpoint that is not working for you and create a more empowering way to view that area of your life. Such a conversation allows you to return to being “at choice” in how you view your circumstances, resulting in a shared experience of greater freedom, power and satisfaction. While you may not immediately be able to change the circumstances of your life, you do have choice over how you view those circumstances.

You and your spouse can also support each other in all the commitments you have individually. Do the commitments you’ve individually made serve or support your relationship and your family? Have you asked your spouse to support you in extracurricular commitments you’ve taken on, such as volunteering at church, playing golf on the weekend or committing to a major educational endeavor?

Gaining your spouse’s support can make an enormous difference. It is important to have your partner choose with you. If they do, they will more freely support you in such practical activities as picking up the kids at school, making dinners or cutting the grass on the weekend. When you choose “yes” to a commitment, it is important to remember that for your lives to work together, your partner also needs to say “yes.”

On the flip side, you may be engaged in an activity where it would be appropriate to stop. You may feel that what you are doing is no longer important to you. Or, you may no longer be committed to what you were doing. You can learn to say “no” to those commitments that don’t serve you. You will likely need you to speak to those people who will feel the impact of your shifting commitment.

Balance can be restored by identifying where you and your spouse experience having little choice, by shifting disempowering perspectives to empowering ones and by aligning with your spouse around the commitments you are taking on as well as those you are saying “no” to. Your busy lives will likely be as busy as ever. But you and your partner will be in great sync with each other and happier about what you both have on your plates.

I took dance lessons in sixth grade, seventh and eighth grade. I learned the fox trot, the waltz and the cha, cha, cha. All the boys and girls in my grade sat around in a large circle and I learned how to walk across the dance floor to ask a girl if she would dance with me. I learned how to lead. I learned my role in ballroom room dancing…the masculine role.

What I didn’t learn was to follow. Today, Martha and I love to dance. I lead; she follows. We’re a great partnership. When I dance with other women, I will sometimes get annoyed when the woman with whom I’m dancing starts to lead. I resist following. That’s not the way I learned how men and women are supposed dance on the dance floor.

When I was in dance class, I was learning more than just how to dance, I was learning about gender roles.

I also learned a lot about marriage gender roles from my parents growing up in the 1950s. My Mom and Dad had a traditional marriage. My father was the breadwinner and my mother the homemaker. That model was the prevalent view of what partnership looked like inside of marriage 60 years ago.

That is not the prevailing view of partnership today. Both men and women are working and building careers. Both men and women are involved in parenting, caring for the home and being responsible for the family’s finances. Couples who marry today have greater flexibility in designing the kind of partnership they want to have in their marriage.

Recently, I saw a TED Talk by two men, both ballroom dancers, Trevor Copp and Jeff Fox. In their talk and dance demonstrations, they examine the traditional gender roles in ballroom partner dancing. They question, does the man always have to lead and the woman have to follow? They suggest that the physics of movement doesn’t care about your gender.

In their dancing, they separated the lead and follow functions from traditional gender roles. They created “liquid lead” dancing, in which both men and women (or man and man/woman and woman) could lead and follow and switch roles seamlessly within a dance routine. Their dancing is engaging. I invite you to watch this Ted Talk.

It is my experience that couples, who have a great partnership in their marriage, are co-leaders in their lives. They are co-creators. They are not bound by inflexible gender roles. Analogously, the physics of changing a diaper, washing the dishes, earning a paycheck or washing the car doesn’t care about your gender. The roles and responsibilities we take on inside of marriage are a way of thinking, a way of being or a way of relating to each other.

Copp and Fox demonstrate that their liquid lead dancing allows for continual negotiation around who’s leading and who’s following, much like being in a conversation with your partner around finances or household responsibilities.

In a great conversation, each person’s voice is heard; the person speaking can lead and the person listening can follow their lead. Then they can switch. They give and take.

Copp and Fox make a powerful case that partner dancing has always been about “the fine art of taking care of each other.” That is also what partnership in marriage is all about: Taking care not only of each other, but also of the quality of your relationship.

I work with couples who are looking to nurture their connection with each other, expand teamwork in their daily lives together and create a fulfilling, enduring partnership over time.

When I share that with people, I generally get a very positive, enthusiastic response.

When a prospective couple calls me, I’m happy. I feel very lucky!

Clayton M. Christensen has written a book, entitled Competing Against Luck. In the book, Christensen explores what allows businesses to grow, innovate and make progress. He writes that businesses have historically employed a strategy studying characteristics of their customer (i.e., their age, their income, their geographical location, their preferences, etc.) to get a better understanding as to how to attract clients.

As I’ve built my business, I’ve done that.

That got me thinking newly, “Why would a couple hire a partnership marriage coach?”

According to Christensen, however, my couples don’t hire my services (professional coaching and workshops) or buy my book (The Partnership Marriage) because of some personal characteristic (e.g., millennials, dual income earners, empty nesters): They hire me because they have a “job to be done.”

With that idea in mind, I started looking more closely at some of the jobs my couples have asked me to assist them with in their coaching with me:

• One older couple in a new relationship worked with me around how to consolidate two households into one as they were planning to move into a new home together.
• A younger engaged couple designed their vows for their upcoming marriage ceremony.
• Another couple worked together to foster greater intimacy in their relationship.
• Another couple worked out their household roles and responsibilities. They were interested be greater teamwork and clarity around who was going to do what at home.
• A couple who were interested in starting a family wanted to get aligned about when and how they were going to reorganize their priorities so they could fulfill that dream.
• A couple, whose adult children had left the house, wanted to create a vision for what was next for them.
• A newly married couple healed a long standing hurt in their relationship and resolved a major question, “Will our marriage work?”
• Another couple talked honestly about their differing views and personal habits around money and then invented a whole new perspective around how they could be full partners in their financial well-being.

In a successful marriage, there are many jobs to be done that call for loving connection, effective teamwork and productive partnership: raising your children, redecorating or renovating your home, planning dates, parties and social events, managing the daily and weekly logistics of life, going on vacation and taking care of each other’s health and well-being.

At times, you may feel that you and your spouse are not on the same page. Or, you are aware that you are not committed to the same things. Or, you feel that you are not communicating well around a task that needs to be done.

Christensen helped me to think more specifically about why a couple would hire a partnership marriage coach. Couples hire me because they want to get the job(s) of their shared life done well and in partnership!

That’s what I’m here for.

References

Christensen, C. M., Hall, T., Dillon, K., and Duncan, D. (2016). Competing against luck: The story of innovation and customer choice. New York, New York: Harper Collins.

Miser, A. (2014) The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.

Bob Mauterstock and I are leading a workshop called, The Couples and Money Workshop, on Saturday, October 29^th on Cape Cod. The workshop is $249 per couple and will be held at the First Parish Brewster, 1969 Main Street, in Brewster.

We are committed that you and your spouse come away from the workshop with a new access to power and partnership in your relationship to money! We invite you to join us!

In the course of your life together, you and your spouse may not always be able to change the circumstances of your lives. You can, however, become aware of the ways in which you both view your circumstances. Such unwitting perspectives frame “the way it is” for you and your spouse and impact the quality of your partnership and your life together.

In this workshop, you will examine your individual and shared views of your relationship with money. Some couples, for instance, view their relationship with their finances through a joint perspective of “We never seem to be on the same page.” Other couples view money through a lens of “We’ll never have enough.” Whatever perspective(s) you have will shape your shared reality, impact how effectively you work together and influence how satisfied you are in the arena of money.

Michael and Sarah, who participated in one of my partnership courses, have been happily married for over 30 years and wanted to bring a greater sense of partnership to the arena of money. They shared with me the following story.

In our approach to finances, we have had long-standing, diametrically opposed worldviews. Michael’s might be summarized as “We are going to be in the poor house unless we save everything that we can.” Sarah’s worldview about finances might be portrayed as “Spend it and the money will come.”

We had essentially come to grips with these opposing viewpoints early in our relationship and found ways to work around them. Michael would try to hide as much money in a retirement fund as possible and swallowed any residual resentment. Sarah would schedule travel vacations and buy gifts, while hiding her guilt behind a veil of optimism and cheerful-heartedness. This disconnection frequently left Michael feeling like a tyrant and Sarah like a misbehaving child. Over the years this “norm” felt like we were managing the issue, mostly focusing on trying to forgive the other person’s misguided beliefs, and basically “blessing their little hearts.” In our hearts we knew this was not a place to create passion and partnership for the long term; in fact, the issue was the focal point of most arguments.

In being able to identify our disempowering perspectives and their costs to the quality of our relationship, we broke through to a level of partnership that was previously inconceivable to either of us: A level beyond tolerance, and even beyond cooperation. Initially the challenge was separating each other’s perspectives (and our own) from “right” and “wrong.” Only then were we able to create a shared perspective as a couple—a stand for transparency, honesty, mutual respect and shared decision-making.

We named this joint perspective “Partners Without Pants,” a tag line that immediately recalls the joy of that discovery and points to a sense of humility and humor in our partnership. Ironically, by joining together in true fiscal partnership, we were also able to see the value in each other’s perspective: Michael has secured our future while Sarah has supplied the memories along the way. There is a balance and a union where once there were established battle lines and a lot of point counting.

Together, and in partnership, we have gained power over our finances. We have created room for a supportive relationship with our finances and collaboration on what’s important in our lives. We can laugh about money or fight when we disagree—just like real partners do. This is the essence of our partnership now in the realm of our family finances.

In the Couples and Money Workshop, you will become aware of the perspectives through which you view money. You will also see the impact of these perspectives on the quality of your relationship and your lives. By being responsible for that impact, you will have the opportunity to create an empowering shared perspective(s) through which to view your relationship to money.

Again, the Couples and Money Workshop will be held from 8:30 am to 4:30 am on Saturday, October 29^th at the First Parish Brewster, 1969 Main Street, in Brewster.

The fee for the workshop is $249 per couple.

You can register here. If you’d like to speak to me about the workshop or have any questions, contact me at: andy@thepartnershipmarriage.com.

Please come and join us! Create a powerful partnership in your relationship with money!

Martha and I have very busy lives. All the couples I work with do too. We all do! A common complaint I hear couples saying is “Our lives are so busy, we never have time to sit down and talk to each other.”

Making the time to sit down and talk with each other, to resolve difficulties or to have conversations about your interests or your future is a commitment to the quality of your relationship. Everything else will seem more important, it you don’t make that commitment and then be committed to it!

When I work with couples, I ask them to make the quality of their relationship a high priority in their marriage. That’s a start.

When we get talking, often I hear that problems arise because one person in the relationship bring ups an issue, a problem or even an idea for the future at a time when the other person isn’t ready to have that conversation. “I don’t have time to talk about that right now.”

When I bring up plans for the weekend when Martha is writing an article for her newsletter, it’s not the right time. When Martha brings up the need for car maintenance, while I’m watching the Red Sox game, it’s not the right time to talk about that.

In the morning, when you are getting ready for work and the kids off to school or, in the evening, when you are preparing dinner and engaged in the evening routine, the time never seems right to talk about issues, the future or anything!

I call these attempts to have important conversations in the flow of our busy lives “drive by” conversations. There isn’t time for them.

What to do you do?

First get committed to the quality of your relationship and the effectiveness of your teamwork. Then, build in the time in your calendars and the space in your busy lives to sit down to talk about what you need to talk about.

For years, Martha and I have scheduled 30 to 60 minute “partnership meetings” every week so that we cab talk about the myriad of things that we need to talk about! Sunday mornings or evenings have often worked for us. During the week, when either one of us have something we both need to talk about, we put that topic on the agenda for our next partnership meeting.

Recommendations for your partnership meetings:

• It works to have an agreed-upon time in your week that is set aside for such meetings. What time would work for both of you?
• How much time do you need, that is both long enough and free enough from outside distractions to allow for an effective conversation(s)?
• Find a mutually agreeable location that will support your meeting. Where is there a place in your home which helps you feel empowered to work effectively on an issue or project?
• Bring your schedule, your phone or your computer for planning purposes.
• Bring a pad of paper to write on. Martha and I use an easel and a large pad of paper sometimes. We’ve been known to have large easel paper plastered all over our dining room walls at the end of a partnership meeting.
• Create a specific agenda before you start your meeting so you can focus your discussion on your agenda items and stay on track.
• If you need to, discuss ground rules that will support you in having an effective conversation with each other. For instance, agree that there is nothing wrong, agree to disagree and/or agree to be respectful of each other’s points of view. Also, if other issues or topics of conversation arise, you can agree to discuss those issues at another time.
• It is a good idea to turn off your cell phones. Do not answer your home phone and structure your time in a way that leaves you both free from distraction.
• Whether you are addressing a problem, scheduling a date for the weekend or working on a house project, note the actions you commit to. Set up a way to be accountable for what you say you’re going to do.
• Schedule your next partnership meeting. Plan to review what actions have been taken, what actions were not taken and review accomplishments the next time you meet.

We taught out children, when they were little, that Mommy and Daddy had times when they needed to talk about things and did not want to be interrupted. It was our job to teach them to find something to do if we were in our partnership meeting.

For years, it has worked for us to schedule a time and a place each week when we can converse about anything and everything that impacts the quality of our lives. We always know we have a time and a place set aside to converse with each other. We don’t have to engage in “drive by” conversations when neither one of us have the time or the space for them.

We enjoy our partnership meetings! We enjoy taking care of what needs to be done so that issues get resolved, projects are fulfilled and the quality of our relationship is nurtured. Now, get your calendars out and schedule your next partnership meeting.

Save the date for Men’s Wellness Retreat! In collaboration with other speakers, I will be presenting a workshop at the Men’s Wellness Retreat on November 12th.  The title of my presentation is Exploring Partnership in Marriage (for men!).

In my workshop, you will explore what partnership looks like for you in your marriage (or committed relationship).  You will inquire into the quality of your life when partnership is present and when it is not.  You will also examine ways of being and action you can take, which will promote teamwork and partnership in your relationship.  Lastly, you will inquire into the power of appreciation and acknowledgement in fostering connection, teamwork and partnership in your marriage.

Here is the workshop information:

• Date: Saturday, November 12th
• Location: The Viking Hotel, 1 Bellevue Ave, Newport, RI
• Cost: $49.00 per person
• Event Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/events/146136289153051/

Men, I invite you to take a break from your busy schedules and join with other men for a day of networking and education.

This is our first of many Men’s Wellness Retreats that will bring together a great panel of speakers with topics ranging from men’s health and wellness, partnership in marriage, the business of real estate, systems thinking and practical help for your digital life.

Men’s Wellness Retreats are a great time to connect with others in your field of work or make new connections for networking.

During this retreat day you will have a chance to learn from the experts in their fields and pick their brain!

If you’d like to register for this event, go to http://clubinhaleexhale.com/mens-wellness-retreat/

You may also make reservations at The Hotel Viking by calling 401-847-3300 of visiting their website at http://www.hotelviking.com.

Here is are the other speakers and what they will be speaking about at the Men’s Wellness Retreat:

Michael LoColle: Is It Low Testosterone or Normal Aging? 

As men get older, testosterone levels decline naturally and almost imperceptibly. But for some men, a significant decline can impact their quality of life. So how can you tell the difference between normal aging and low testosterone?

When testosterone levels are too low, men may experience less interest in sex, fewer spontaneous erections, and a reduced intensity of orgasm and sensation. It may also cause loss of pubic hair, decrease in energy, increase in fatigue, depression, poor concentration and memory, disrupted sleep, and reduced strength.

Find out how certain foods, and a combination of the right workout regimen can help!

Michael LoColle is the co-founder and one of the creative minds behind Club Inhale / Exhale, LLC, a business dedicated to helping clients and community reach their personal health and wellness objectives through greater understanding of nutrition psychology, fitness design and lifestyle goals.

As Michael explains, “Club Inhale / Exhale is about lifestyle balance first and having a fitness & nutrition program that creates a healthy body, mind and soul is the start of that new lifestyle. Michael goes on to state, “as we learn more about ourselves personally we can then create a plan that has that at the forefront making it possible for us to achieve continued success.

Chris Michaud: There’s ALWAYS Action in the Real Estate Business 

Learning all there is to know about investment real estate is not possible in an hour. Most people know something about real estate and think they know more. Some do, and some don’t. Many come to the party late, but party on like it’s 1999. You need to see where the “action” is. That’s what this hour to 90 minutes will focus on. There’s ALWAYS action in the real estate business.

You need to know:

• Rule #1: ”People come first. Treat them the way you wish to be treated.”
• Why you want to do this?
• When to leap?
• What to buy?
• What to sell?
• When to do it?

Chris Michaud has been a real estate broker for 30+ years in 3 different states. He is an authority on real estate management and creating alternative business models. Agents under his supervision historically outperform their competition 3:1. He counsels buyers, sellers, investors, lawyers and other professionals in real estate. He is an experienced real estate investor for both residential and land development property, private commercial lender and lobbying advocate at state and national level. He is co-author of co-author of

Easy Money and the Great Real Estate Ponzi Scheme, to be published in 2016. Learn more about Chris at Acceptancegroup.com.

Bill Holden: System’s Thinker

In this workshop, we will explore the basics of systems thinking and learn real-life ways to apply this to all areas of your personal and professional life. Being goal-oriented is fine, but is a recipe for spending most of your time falling short of the goals you set, feeling like a failure and being frustrated and stressed. Looking at everything in life as a system allows you to figure out how everything in your life works together. Systems thinking lets you design your personal and professional “systems” to reach much greater heights of achievement. Bill will help equip you to identify and understand the linkages and interactions between the components that comprise the entirety of your life, and give you the tools to recognize the inter-dependency between parts of your identity, personality and both professional and personal life.

Sometimes when we believe we are failing, we are really succeeding, but for a different purpose and for a different system in our life. Bill will share a new way to look at your life that lets you see how everything works together and how to tweak systems to get the desired effect. Trying smarter rather than just trying harder.

Even if you’re familiar with systems thinking in your professional life, applying the same methodology to your personal life (and recognizing the linkage between the two) can result in a life-altering and life-enriching experience.

Bill Holden is a life-long systems thinker and has applied that methodology to every facet of his life, including serving as Network & Interoperability Architect for Philips Healthcare Patient Monitoring Division. Systems thinking can be applied to technology as well as social and interpersonal relationships. Bill will lead you through a set of exercises that demonstrate how you can apply systems thinking to your own life. Bill has an MS in Health Sciences (Human Physiology and Anatomy) from Boston University. 

Chris Gardner: The MC for the Day’s Events and Workshops!

“I’m all about helping you deal with our 21st century high-tech digital world so you can enjoy a healthy and secure digital life!”

Founder of PosiTek.net® and author of Practical Help for Your Digital Life®, Chris has helped thousands of individuals in over 120 countries deal with the complexities of modern living in the 21^st century. Chris has over 20 years of direct-to-user consumer technology support and education, translating “geek-speak” into easy-to-follow advice and instructions to solve a host of problems in consumer technology. Chris’ expertise covers personal computers (Mac and PC), mobile digital devices including smartphones, tablets & digital cameras, as well as home automation, smart appliances, home theatre & security, and of course, all things online. Chris’ Practical Help is designed to de-mystify the mysterious in consumer technology and help you get more out of what you already own. His goal is for you and everyone to have a healthy and secure digital life. For more on Chris: https://positek.net/

Save the date for Couples and Money, a one-day workshop for you and your partner to learn practical strategies to support each other in your relationship with money.

• Date: Saturday, October 29th
• Time: 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM
• Location: First Parish Brewster, 1969 Main Street Brewster, MA

I am excited to be leading this workshop with Bob Mauterstock, CFP®, who has worked with couples for 30 year to support them in their financial success.

Money issues can be difficult for many couples.  Often, couples don’t know how to work together to manage their money. This workshop is an opportunity for you to transform your relationship with money from survival to opportunity.

Why would you come?

• You will discover your money personality, how you relate to money in your life.
• You and your partner will learn how your money personalities impact each other. The roadblocks to your money success will be revealed. You will find a formula for abundance in your money relationship.
• Together, you will create a vision for the purpose of money in your lives. You will develop a plan to carry out that vision.
• Before you leave, you will establish a network of support to assure that your vision will become a reality.

The cost of the workshop is $249. It’s only open to 12 couples.

You can register at the Couples and Money Facebook page: http://tinyurl.com/j5a4h8c

If you have any questions, contact me at: andy@thepartnershipmarriage.com

The following excerpt is from my book, The Partnership Marriage: Creating the Life You Love…Together.

Martha and I strolled along in Vondelpark on a beautiful late summer day, as we were apt to do just before dinnertime when we were living in Amsterdam in 2005. The air that day was clear, the clouds lay suspended against the bluish-grey sky and the leaves in the trees danced in the breeze. People rode by on their bicycles in all directions: some very leisurely and some at a fast clip. Parents walked with their children in baby carriages and at their side, as did pet owners with their dogs. Skateboarders and joggers flew by and groups of teenagers milled about with no clear purpose other than hanging out together in the park. Jugglers and musicians held the attention of onlookers, families picnicked together on the spacious green lawn and lovers on blankets rimmed the glimmering pond at the center of the park. We walked together, taking in the smorgasbord of sights, sounds and sensations in Vondelpark, which was located near where we lived in the southeastern part of the city. We loved this routine. 

I felt deeply connected with Martha on this walk. Although we were in a new and foreign city, away from family and friends in the United States, I felt peaceful, grounded and at home. It had not always been like that, particularly in recent years. After living for twenty-five years in Hartford, Connecticut, Martha and I had uprooted our family at the mid-point of our careers to move to Amsterdam, where Martha took an expatriate position at a well-known Dutch bank, and I took a hiatus from a career as a psychologist and marriage and family therapist. I became a “house husband,” taking care of the home and our growing children, all of whom experienced difficult adjustments as a result of our move. There were many times Martha and I felt disconnected and dislocated and wondered, “What were we thinking?”

As we walked along, I felt an urge to have a conversation with Martha to explore what had allowed us to be so bold and adventurous to have made the choice to move to Amsterdam. I asked her if she’d have a conversation with me about our relationship at this stage of our lives. She was more than glad to engage with me.

I asked her, “When we are in touch with our relationship and with what we have together, what is present in our lives?” Without hesitation, she said to me, “A sense that anything is possible.” Her response resonated with me. I could see that when we are together and aware of our commitment to the quality of marriage, we have a feeling that we can be or do anything. Life is wonderful. Life is grand. I reflected that when we first met, when we had each of our three children, when we supported each other in getting our advanced degrees and when we moved to The Netherlands, we had that sense that, “anything is possible.”

Now I was even more curious. I asked her again, “When we are in touch with our relationship, what do we experience together?” This time she paused in thought as we continued down the path. In that moment, we took in the surroundings and all of the activity around us. She said, “Being excited about the life we are creating.” I flashed back on the early days of our marriage, when we were first dating and how excited we were about being with each other. I could hear the narrative over our life’s journey that had allowed us to continuously return to being enthusiastic about our relationship. The story line had not always been happy or joyous, far from it, but we had worked together over the years to consistently experience that familiar place we call “us,” where we have been able to be enthusiastic about our lives and passionate about what we have shared together.

We kept exploring this notion of “us,” that space only the two of us have known, have nurtured and have honored for so long. I then said, “There is partnership.” When I sat on the plane next to Martha as we flew to Amsterdam for the first time three years previously, I thought, “I am sitting next to my partner in life. I wouldn’t do this with anyone else.” When Martha and I are most deeply in touch with our relationship, we know that anything is possible, we are passionate about our life together and we are full partners. We can tackle anything.

Reference

Miser, A. (2014) The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.