A Life of Shared Meaning

A recent survey found that 96% of those people who were polled say that they want to get married someday despite the fact that so many marriages in the United States fail each year (Harrar & DeMaria, 2007). After questioning 1,001 people about their attitudes and beliefs about marriage, 93% of them said that having a happy, healthy marriage is an important personal goal for them. 85% of those surveyed said that marriage is fundamentally a partnership between two people and 75% said that the commitment of marriage is life-long (Harrar & DeMaria, 2007). With such survey results, it is disheartening that around 40%-50% of first marriages and closer to 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Today, in America, there is an enormous gap between what people say they want in a marriage and what they seem to be able to have.

Fowers (2000) writes that the best marriages are partnerships in which couples are committed to a life of shared meaning by being in alignment around a set of virtues and values and by having a vision for how those principles are expressed in their lives. Fowler (2000) writes that marriage can be thought of as a partnership that allows couples to be powerfully connected through a shared purpose. He recommends that couples articulate their shared values, design a common vision for their lives and shift their focus from emotional gratification to the quality of their marriage and their partnership. He suggests this as a radical view of marriage.

Partnership marriage also requires the sharing of all the day-to-day, logistical, how-are-we-going-to-handle-everything-we’ve-got-to-do kinds of demands. Like a great pair of jugglers, throwing bowling pins back and forth or, like two trapeze artists, flying through the air and catching each other 50 feet above the circus ring, their daily activity requires co-ordination and commitment. Partners must sort out who is going to do what and when. Successful partnership requires coordinated action that leads to a shared sense of satisfaction, competence and teamwork.

The experience of partnership may be challenged when communication breaks down and coordinated action falters. When this occurs, a couple who is committed to partnership will re-connect around what is important to them, their vision for their lives and the quality of their relationship.  They will avoid focusing on who is wrong or who is to blame and instead focus on what on what kind of life they are committed to creating together.  This commitment to creating a life of shared meaning is key to co-creating a partnership marriage.

 References

Fowers, B. (2000) The Myth of Marital Happiness. San Francisco, California: Jossey-Bass, Inc. Publishers.

Harrar, S. & DeMaria, R. (2007) The seven stages of marriage: Laughter, intimacy, and passion, today, tomorrow, and forever. Pleasantville, New York: Reader’s Digest:

The Random House Thesaurus, College Edition. (1984) New York: Random House.

Posted in Partnership Marriage