The Art of Negotiating Household Tasks
The art of negotiating household chores starts with a commitment to teamwork, workability and effectiveness. You and your partner simply need a piece of paper, a pen, and time set aside to talk to each other. If you follow the following guidelines for negotiating household activities, you may find yourselves with a lot more time, space and energy to do all the other things you love!
Align on Important Values in the Negotiation Process
Set aside an hour or two to accomplish this activity. One of the first things you can do is to align on what is important to both of you in the process and in the agreements you make. For instance, it may be important to you that the arrangement is “win-win,” in other words, that you both have the experience of being satisfied. If either one of you is not satisfied with the process or outcome, the negotiation is not complete. Also, it will most likely be important to you that the arrangement you negotiate is fair and equitable. Since there will be no external basis on which to judge fairness, you need rely on your intuitive sense that the commitments you both make are indeed fair. One additional requirement may be that you both experience having a choice in the matter. A discussion of values, such as satisfaction, fairness and equality at the beginning of the process is an important first step.
Write Down Every Household Task You Can Think Of
Next, write down every household task you can think of that has to be completed around the house. For instance, the list may include taking care of the money, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking care of the cars, dusting, cooking, feeding the dog, etc. Put each discreet activity on one list. You might be surprised that the list you come up with is shorter than you thought and that you both know what needs to be done around the house to have your lives run smoothly together.
Agree on What’s Involved in Each Household Task
After you have made the complete list of household tasks, talk with each other about what is involved in completing each task and what a completed task looks like. You may find that this arena is where you have the greatest differences of opinion. For instance, you each may wash the dishes differently. Once you agree on what each household task involves, take turns choosing household tasks.
Take Turns Choosing Household Tasks
Start with a flip of a coin if you need to. Take turns looking at your list and choosing an activity that you will be completely responsible for. You choose a household task and then your partner chooses one. Choose another and have your partner choose again. It is important that each of you have the freedom to choose with the understanding that, if you choose an activity, it will be your responsibility to regularly complete that household task to your mutual satisfaction. Toward the end of the process, you may notice that there are several tasks that neither of you want to do. That is OK. Take some additional time, break down what is involved and come up with a negotiated settlement. You may find that you can do this with relative ease.
Make Agreements
One of the things you may notice in the negotiation process is that you may tend to choose activities that conform to sex role stereotypes. It works to agree that neither of you will tell your partner how to do their household tasks as long as what gets accomplished leaves you both satisfied. Of course, if either one person completes a household activity and the result does not meet the agreed upon criteria, the other person has the right to object or complain. You can adopt a very useful rule in your marriage: Each of you has the right to complain only when the other person is not fulfilling an explicit agreement that you have previously negotiated.
Having Time and Space
You may find that the nice part about negotiating household activities in this way is that much of your day-to-day bickering and complaining about what is not getting done clears up. Expectations will be clarified and you will find yourselves more satisfied with how things are going around the house. If there is a problem, you will get to the problem much faster. Sometimes one of you will not do what you agreed to do. If your arrangement is not working, you can renegotiate. Over time, you will find yourselves able to negotiate these activities with greater ease. Whenever one of you says you will be responsible for an activity, the other person can be fairly certain that it will get done.
Posted in Partnership Marriage
