Being “All in” Your Marriage

Eli J. Finkel, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University, wrote an opinion piece for the New York Times that was published on Valentine’s Day. He was looking at the state of marriage today. As a result of his extensive research, he found that, if you look at marital satisfaction and divorce rate statistics, the average marriage is not as strong as marriages in the past.

Today, though, the best marriages are healthier and stronger than those of a generation ago. He also found that the gap between the quality of life of couples in great marriages and those in mediocre marriages is widening.

His major conclusion is that couples who regularly attend to the quality of their partnership over the long haul can achieve high levels of marital satisfaction and share a fulfilling life together. Those married couples who don’t, likely won’t. Marriage, he concludes, is an “all or nothing” proposition.

I refer this as being committed to your original commitment in marriage. In the scheme of things, it is relatively easy to say, “I do.” It is a whole lot harder to stay committed to the quality of your marriage day in and day out over a lifetime.

When I work with couples, I will often ask them to give me a sense of their marriage by standing up and positioning themselves on a large rug that represents their marriage. More often than not, one or both of them will have one foot on the rug and one foot off the rug.

It becomes painfully obvious to the couple that they don’t have all four of their feet in their marriage. I suggest to them that having any part of themselves out of their marriage, even if it’s only a big toe, won’t work in having a happy and successful marriage. I find couples in this state are not fully committed to their commitment and, as a result, they report their marriage being, what Finkel calls, mediocre: Little satisfaction, no fulfillment and not very happy.

When you and your spouse are fully committed to the quality of your shared life and committed to your marriage, the sky is the limit. Invest your time and energy in your partnership. Whatever you dream will be within your reach. Whatever you envision, you can achieve.

Reference

Finkel, E.J. (2013). I hate it when you… The New York Times https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/10/opinion/sunday/a-valentines-day-gift-to-save-a-marriage.html

Posted in Partnership Marriage