Embracing Feelings

One of the important lessons that Martha and I learned early in our marriage was that expressing emotions is a natural and normal part of any human relationship. Feelings seem to come and go. It is easy to label some feelings as “good” and other feelings as “bad.” It is true that some feelings, like anger, fear and embarrassment can be difficult to experience, but that does not make them “bad” feelings or even negative feelings. They are simply feelings.

When you can learn to embrace and accept what you are feeling, you may notice that the feeling you are having will dissipate and even disappear. I have friend, a psychologist, who taught me this when I was studying in my graduate program.

I was upset and angry for having taken on too many commitments and afraid that I wasn’t going to be prepared for a lecture I was scheduled to give. I felt paralyzed in taking action so I called my friend. I wanted to tell him the whole story about how I had too much work to do and how I had to cancel my speaking engagement.

As I began to tell him my story, he did something extraordinary.  He asked, “What are you feeling?” I said, “I am angry. I am afraid I won’t be prepared for the lecture.” He said, “OK. Is it OK to feel those feelings?” I said, “No, it isn’t!” He said, “OK. Is it OK to not want to have those feelings?” I said, “Yes, it is OK to feel that way!” At that moment, something amazing happened. Those feelings of anger and fear started to disappear.

I saw that I was not allowing myself to embrace the feelings I was having. I didn’t want to be experiencing anger and fear. My good friend had given me a way to accept what I was feeling: It was OK not to want to feel what I was feeling. Through that brief exchange, I was able to embrace not only how I was being about my feelings, but also the feelings themselves. Rather than my feelings having me, I was having my feelings.

My friend didn’t tell me that I shouldn’t be feeling those feelings. He didn’t give me advice about how I should feel or what I should do. He allowed me to identify what I was feeling and see that I was not allowing myself to have those feelings. I ended up preparing and giving that lecture.

In early years of our relationship, Martha and I learned to help each other to identify and accept our feelings whatever they were. We didn’t tell each other not to have them; we learned to have what we were feeling.

I remember coming home one day from work, distressed and angry. Martha met me at the door, recognized that I was out of sorts as I began to launch into a story about my boss, my work, life in general and everything else I could think of that was upsetting me in that moment. She didn’t ask me why I felt the way I did. She asked me two questions. “What are you feeling?” and “What happened?” I said, “I’m annoyed. The meeting got moved to this Monday and I have to write a big report this weekend instead of next weekend.” I was able to get right to the point. She then said, “I understand, what do you need?” As I felt heard and understood, my anger and upset disappeared and, with Martha’s support, I could then look realistically about what I was going to have to do that weekend.

Learning to accept and embrace each other’s feelings in your marriage is a gift you give each other. Knowing that whatever you may be feeling at any moment can dissipate and, even, disappear, if you name it, share it with your partner and allow it to be there without having to justify or rationalize it gives you a way to contribute powerfully to each other.

Avoid asking each other “why?” You will simply invite justification. By using “What questions” and asking “What are you feeling?” and “What happened?,” you’re better able to understand what is going on in each other’s lives and what may have triggered the feelings you’re experiencing. As you embrace your feelings, they will lesson and you will be freed up to deal effectively with your circumstances.

Posted in Partnership Marriage