The Power of Conversation
Oscar Wilde wrote, “Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation, and conversation must have a common basis…”
Over a lifetime, a married couple expresses all kinds of feelings, viewpoints, opinions, judgments, and ideas in conversation with each other. Their conversations can, at times, be creative, productive, and affirming or they can be reactive, static and conflicting. Couples may share what is going on in their lives, solve issues, create a vision for the future or make plans of action. Couples may talk about what is working or blame each other for what isn’t working. They may argue and even stop talking to each other for long periods of time. They may have conversations that express their commitment to creating partnership on a daily basis or that argue for “the way that it is and always will be” in their relationship.
David Bohm (1996) in his treatise on dialogue examines the nature of communication between people. He suggests that one way to think about communication is that it is used to convey information, points or view or opinions in a unidirectional way. A person may have a specific idea or meaning they want to convey to another person. In such communication, an individual is solely concerned with his point of view being heard. In other words, the person is attached to his own perspective and not interested or ready to consider different ideas, opinions or viewpoints. If another person doesn’t agree with the idea(s) he shares, the person may feel the need to defend his point of view and fail to connect in a meaningful way with his listener.
You could say that the person who is communicating is not ready to shift his (or her) view, has a fundamental lack of awareness of the other person’s point of view and is listening from what he or she already knows. You can imagine if two people are talking to each other this way, neither person is really listening to the other; they simply want to say what they have to say. I have been at many cocktail parties when someone will say something, then another person will say something else that changes the topic altogether. Or two people are simply stating their points of view about something without any real connection or commitment to having a conversation about the subject matter. Such conversations are reactive, static and identity-driven where people are more interested in being right about their points of view than in connecting with each other.
Bohm (1996) distinguishes discussion from true dialogue. The word discussion has the same root word as concussion or percussion, which means to “break up.” In a discussion, individuals express their own points of view and bat them back and forth. At best, they are attempting to come to some agreement, but in actuality each person is attempting to dominate others with their opinions or perspectives. Bohm (1996) suggests that, in this kind of conversation, the point of the interaction is to win others over to one’s own point of view. In such conversations, being focused on the content of what is being said is most important, often to the detriment of the quality of the relationship with the person or persons with whom one is conversing. These kinds of conversations are essentially reactive, don’t tend to create anything new and are focused on winning and losing.
Bohm (1996) suggests that a creative conversation or dialogue involves two or more people who are more interested in understanding each other rather than just being right and defending their points of view. The essential nature of conversation is that it is an exchange of ideas, feelings or points or view between people where the individuals are interested in listening to and understanding each other. People convey different meanings in what they are saying and listen for what is being expressed or created in the conversation. Bohm (1996) suggests that, in dialogue, two people create something new together.
In creative conversations, there is a commitment to win-win or to the relationship winning. Bohm (1996) writes that, when conversations are generative, no one person is attempting to win or dominate the conversation; the idea is to have a conversation that is mutually satisfying to both individuals. Each person takes care to understand the other and to listen for what new understanding is emerging in the conversation. No one person is attempting to be right or have his viewpoint prevail. In conversations that are creative in nature, both parties are usually aware that their viewpoints are just that: They are points of view. It is difficult and nearly impossible to have the experience of loving and caring connection with another person when one person has to be right about their point of view.
In creative conversations, a couple is able talk with each other in meaningful ways that enhance the quality of their relationship and their marriage. Learning to have such conversations is a powerful way for a couple to nurture their partnership.
Reference
Bohm, D. (1996). On Dialogue. Routledge: New York, New York.
Posted in Partnership Marriage
