Conversations for Partnership

Over the past year, I’ve been writing a book on partnership in marriage. The focus of my book is the power of conversation in marriage and how couples, by having important conversations, can create a fulfilling and enduring partnership over a lifetime. Here’s an excerpt from the first draft:

“It is the nature of a couple’s conversations that determines the quality, the vibrancy and the vitality of their marriage. Today, for a couple to have an enduring and fulfilling marriage, they must learn to be effective in having all kinds of conversations over many years. The kinds of conversations that a couple routinely engages in over time have a profound impact on what is possible in their marriage and on the quality of the couple’s experience of their partnership. The quality of a couple’s conversations shapes their experience of fulfillment, balance and vitality in their life together and their expression of partnership in their marriage.”

One of the earliest conversations I can recall having with Martha occurred about two and a half years into our marriage. We were living at the time in Clinton, New York. It was in the summer of 1976 as Martha was preparing to start a Masters Degree program in Public Administration at Syracuse University and I was working as a developmental therapist in a mental health program for emotionally and mentally challenged preschool children in nearby Utica, New York. She got home one night after being away for the weekend at an intensive personal growth seminar. She came in late in the evening, we sat together cross-legged on the floor and we talked well into the night. She started the conversation with two very simple questions: “Andy, what do want in your life?” and “What do we want in our lives together?” We had been married for about two years and had never really considered what we wanted together.

I remember that conversation. I don’t remember everything we said, but I recall how we were together and especially how Martha listened to me. What we each said to each other really mattered. That night, I felt as though I was headed on this great journey with my sweetheart. We sat on the floor for three hours and engaged in a conversation that altered the trajectory of our lives. That night was the night that I told Martha I wanted to get a Ph.D. in psychology and we shared the vision of our having a family someday. We “co-created” our life and our future in that conversation.

Subsequently, I was trained as a psychologist and a marriage and family therapist and was in private practice until 2002 when Martha and I moved with our family to Amsterdam, The Netherlands. I re-trained as a professional coach with the Coaches Training Institute and got interested in educating and coaching couples in how to strengthen their connection with each other and to sustain an enthusiasm for their marriage.

Over time, I have become intrigued with the idea that the quality of marriage is created through the kinds of conversations couples have with each other. Spouses create partnership in their marriage through the values they hold dear, through the vision of their life they share and through thousands of conversations. I became curious about giving couples the tools that would empower them to fulfill their dreams together inside of their marriage. What conversations enable couples to design their lives together? What tools can couples learn that will allow them to create a lifelong partnership that is active, enduring and full of vigor each and every day?

I hold marriage as an extraordinary opportunity to grow together and to develop a mature partnership in life. While love is necessary, it doesn’t seem sufficient in building an enduring, fulfilling life together. Creating loving connection, fostering teamwork and, ultimately, co-creating a lasting partnership while honoring the unique and individual gifts of each person seem to me essential ingredients for having a great marriage. In this book, I examine what it’s going to take for couples to create a mature partnership in marriage and in life, one that lasts a lifetime. Ultimately, partnership is a context for marriage and how every couple creates partnership in their marriage is through the commitments they make and the conversations they have.

Recently, I sent the book to an editor who is going to give me a manuscript review in the next few weeks. I am both nervous and excited, awaiting her feedback on pin and needles. I’ll get working on a second draft soon and am looking forward to sharing the book sometime in early 2014!

Reference

Miser, A. (2014) The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.

Posted in Partnership Marriage