Transforming Pesky Problems

Sometimes, it is easy to think that a happy marriage is a problem-free marriage. Well, let’s check that out. Engage in the following little guided tour:

Imagine being together over your entire lifetime. Envision all the things that are going to happen over the next 5, 15, 35 or 50+ years. Imagine all the bills you are going to pay, all the shopping trips, all the vacations, all the activities with children, all the times you might move, all the jobs you might have, all the people you are going to interact with, etc. Now, imagine that entire time with your spouse. Envision the perfect life together, problem-free. During your very long life together, imagine your marriage having no problems whatsoever. 50+ years together and no problems in your marriage! You have done it! You have the perfect, problem-free marriage! Isn’t that absolutely ludicrous?

You may now find the idea of having a problem-free marriage ridiculous, but it is also worth considering that, when you and your spouse are experiencing a set of circumstance that are problematic for you, you sometime think that that problem should not be in your marriage. The good news is that you have the power to shift the way in which you view those circumstances, thereby, potentially taking a problem and disappearing it as a problem for you.

First, consider that one way that you create problems is to use the words “but” and “because” in your conversations about circumstances in your lives. An example might be, “We want a new car, but we have only $500 dollars saved in the bank.” Another way to say it is, “We can’t buy a new car because we only have $500 saved in the bank.” Using “but” and “because” will most likely always take a set of circumstances and make them appear to be problematic.

Now consider a way you can make a problem disappear or a set of circumstances appear much less problematic is to use “and” instead of “but” and “because” when you talk about those circumstances. For example, “We want a new car and we have only $500 dollars saved in the bank.” Both of those statements are simply true about the situation. Said this way, “We only have $500 saved in the bank and we can’t buy a new car,” allows you to see that maybe the second part of that sentence is not so true. You and your partner are the ones who are making the assumption that you can’t buy a car.

Using “and” when talking about a set of circumstances allows you to see what is “true” about a situation and what you may be saying about it that is not as true as you first thought. For instance, it may be true that you only have $500 saved in the bank. You might feel as though you can’t buy a new car, though, as you discuss it further, you may see that, if buying a car is important enough to you, you could take out a loan. Additional ideas may present themselves as well. You may consider buying a used car as a good short-term solution or reconsider whether or not you even need a new car. A fixed set of circumstances that were initially viewed as a problem can transform into circumstances that are an opportunity to explore together rather than a problem to be fixed. You likely will have greater freedom in having a conversation about a set of circumstances that, at first, seemed challenging, difficult and problematic.

Posted in Partnership Marriage