Exploring Ideas about Marriage

We all have different ideas and notions about marriage. We form beliefs and judgments about marriage by what we watch on television and at the movies, by what we read in newspapers and magazines and by witnessing the success or failure of the marriages of our own parents, family members and friends. We form all kinds of beliefs about what marriage is and what it can be.

People may think that marriage makes you happy. There is good evidence, in fact, that people who get married and stay married are happier than single or divorced individuals (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). But does marriage make us happy? On the surface, it is a prevalent belief that seems to be true. We have to stop and think, though, that with the very high divorce rate in this country, marriage, in and of itself, will not “make” a couple happy. I may think my marriage or my partner will make me happy, but deep down, I know that isn’t quite how it works. I must bring my happiness to my marriage.

When Martha and I got married in August of 1971, we didn’t examine our beliefs or ideas about marriage or what kind of marriage we wanted to have. Like most couples, we learned about being married by the seat of our pants. Scott Stanley (2005) suggests that it is a really good idea that couples talk about the kind of marriage they want to have together prior to getting married. He advocates that married couples should regularly discuss the vision of their marriage and the kind of marriage they want.

Many couples once they are married may find out they have very different ideas about how to have their marriage work. They may have been told that marriage is really hard work, but have no idea about what that means in having a strong marriage. Newlyweds may think that a good marriage is one that doesn’t have any problems. In other words, you should strive for a problem-free marriage. Other ideas or beliefs about marriage are:

• Once married, you will live happily ever after
• Marriage is for soul mates
• Marriage is broken
• Marriage is a trap
• Marriage may spoil a perfectly good relationship so why get married
• If marriage doesn’t work, you can simply get out of it by getting a divorce

With all of these beliefs, ideas and judgments about marriage swirling around, often unexamined, it is a good idea to spend time with your betrothed or your spouse talking about what marriage means to you and what kind of marriage you want to have. What’s your vision for your marriage?

From time to time, it is valuable to explore your unexamined ideas and expectations about marriage with each other and to talk about what you want in your marriage. You can have a great conversation using the following questions to open up the inquiry:

• What are your ideals about marriage?
• What are your beliefs about marriage?
• What are your expectations about marriage?
• What do you want in your marriage?

You may find that you both have a good solid foundation in how you think about your marriage. You also may find areas where you disagree. As you share with each other, you might also consider:

• From whom did you get your ideals, beliefs and expectations about marriage?
• What are some of the values or attitudes prevalent in our society that have shaped your view of marriage?
• What are the some of beliefs or assumptions about marriage in our culture today?
• What are some myths that you know about marriage?
• What is the purpose of marriage?

These questions are designed to assist you and your fiancée or your spouse to connect with each other around what marriage means to you.  Your marriage is unique. Take the opportunity to talk about and design the kind of marriage you want to have together!

References

Stanley, S.M. (2005) The power of commitment: A guide to lifelong love. San Francisco, California: Josey-Bass.

Waite, L.J. & Gallagher, M. (2000) The case for marriage. New York: Broadway Books.

Posted in Partnership Marriage