Partnership: A Missing Conversation in Marriage?

When I go into a bookstore and pick up books on marriage, I will often go right to the index to see if I can find the word “partnership”. It always surprises me when that word is not there. When I go on the Internet and search for “partnership,” I find many links to websites for domestic partnerships or for business partnerships. If you are partners in life, you must either be gay or lesbian or you must be building a business together! The conversation that marriage is fundamentally a lifelong conversation for creating a fulfilling and enduring partnership seems to be missing in the national discourse!

Fowers (2000) writes that a great myth about marriage today is that marriage itself will make us happy. While many people hope that marriage will fill their lives with lasting love and meet all of their emotional needs, it not guaranteed. When happiness or emotional gratification can’t be reliably achieved in marriage, people more often than not give up and end their marriage in divorce.

Fowers (2000) suggests that happiness and emotional gratification are not the main purpose of marriage. He posits that a strong marriage is built on a shared vision of the future, shared goals, sacrifices and teamwork around all the mundane tasks of sharing a life together. He suggests that couples who are committed to a good and strong marriage ultimately shift their focus from emotional gratification to the quality of their partnership in life.  Partnership is an important context for marriage today.

• Partnership is a context for the marriage of two people who see themselves as responsible for making the choice to get married in the first place. Being responsible for that choice forges a sense of personal responsibility for the health and vitality of one’s marriage.
• Partnership is a context for the marriage of two people who love each other and understand that love must be freely given and shared with each other. As partners, couples hold themselves responsible for keeping the love they have for each other alive in their marriage over the long haul.
• Partnership is a context for the marriage of two people who see themselves as fundamentally equal human beings with the same rights and opportunities to pursue their aspirations in life. As partners,  a couple honors commitments with each other and works together to create a life where the roles and responsibilities are equitable. If their agreements are not, they will talk and work out their household arrangements so that each person feels their contributions are fair and appreciated by the partner.
• Partnership is a context for the marriage of two people who support each other in fulfilling their dreams, both individually and collectively. As partners, a couple grants each other authorship or agency in their lives to pursue what is important to them individually. Their partnership also allows them to dream together and create a joint vision of their life together.

A partnership marriage ultimately is an ongoing conversation for sharing values and a vision for the future, for mastering life’s challenges together and for creating an enduring love in one’s marriage. A partnership marriage in this respect is not for the faint of heart. While it will take everything you’ve got, it will also be immensely satisfying.

Reference

Fowers, B. (2000) The myth of marital happiness. San Francisco, California: Jossey-Bass, Inc. Publishers.

Posted in Partnership Marriage