Should We Cohabitate?

In the past half century, there has been a dramatic increase in acceptance of alternative lifestyles to marriage for individuals living in the United States, including cohabitation, single parent families, gay and lesbian marriage, divorce and remarriage and step-families. According to a New York Times article by Meg Jay published in April 2012, cohabitating couples have increased from 450,000 in 1960 to 7.5 million today. Currently, most young adults cohabitate with a partner at least once before they turn 30 years of age and half of all married couples will live together before they tie the knot.

In a comprehensive research review on cohabitation, Popenoe and Whitehead (2002) at the National Marriage Project found most couples say they live together to see if their live-in partner will be a good match if they choose to get married later on. Couples tend to view living together as a way to test their relationship so as to avoid the likelihood of divorce after marriage. While this may sound like a sensible idea, particularly in light of the high divorce rate in this country, many people are unaware of the downside to cohabitation:

• Couples tend to be less satisfied with their marriages later on;
• Couples are more likely to get a divorce;
• Couples have more negative and abusive interactions;
• Couples are at greater risk for domestic violence and sexual infidelity.

Scott Stanley (2005), a renowned marriage expert, describes the commitment level of couples who live together without any plans for getting married as like that of a dating couple. Meg Jay (2012) in her recent New York Time article writes that many young couples ‘slide’ into living together either out of convenience or economic expediency without much deliberation or thought as to what living together will mean for one’s relationship long-term. The bigger problem is that, while it may be easy to move in together, it may be much more difficult to move out later on.

Jay (2012) suggests that couples who live together find themselves living a private ‘maybe we will do’ life rather than a ‘we do’ shared life, one that has been publicly sanctioned by their families and friends through marriage. Interestingly, women tend to see living together as one step toward marriage, while men view cohabitation as a way to determine if their relationship will work out or to put off considering marriage at all. Typically, both men and women view living together as a relatively short-term arrangement.  The average cohabitation lasts about two years.

Here are several questions to ask yourselves if you and your partner are considering living together prior to marriage:

• What is your motivation for living together?
• What is your commitment to the quality of your relationship?
• What are the potential risks and benefits of living together?
• Do you have plans to talk regularly about your future together and whether cohabitation still makes sense one year, three years or five years down the road?

References

Jay, M. (April 12, 2012). The downside of cohabitating before marriage. New York Times. New York, New York.

Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B.D. (2002). Should we live together? The National Marriage Project. Piscataway, N.J.: Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.

Stanley, S. M. (2005). The power of commitment: A guide to lifelong love. San Francisco, California: Josey-Bass.

Waite, L.J. & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage. New York: Broadway Books.

Posted in Partnership Marriage