Finding Time to Talk

Early in our marriage, Martha and I would find ourselves going along just fine and then, all of sudden, we’d be in the middle of an argument about money, housework or home repairs that weren’t getting done. We’d get lost in the argument and attempt to solve the issue then and there and, as a result, whatever we were doing at the time got swallowed up into the heat of the moment. Whatever we had been doing or had planned for the day got derailed.

Over time, we learned to stop and say to each other, “Let’s talk about that tonight” or “Let’s put that on the agenda for Sunday morning.” We could plan to do that because we had set aside a time during the week when we would discuss issues or problems that needed our joint focus, free of daily distraction. We knew now was not the time. We’d talk about the problem on Sunday.

It is important for you and your spouse to learn to build the time and the space in your lives when you can resolve some of the bigger issues that arise during the day. First, find a mutually agreeable location that will support your discussion. The bedroom is often not the best place to talk about difficult issues. The living room where you both can be relaxed or the kitchen table may be better places for you to come together to resolve issues that have flared up during the week. If you have children, you obviously want to find a place away from the kids or other members of the family. As our kids grew up, we taught them not to interrupt us. We’d let them know that Mommy and Daddy were having a meeting.

It is good to have a consistent and agreed-upon time in your week that you have set aside for such discussions. If an issue is pressing and needs more immediate attention, pull out your calendars and find a time sooner than later.

Here are some questions to ask yourselves about setting up an agreed upon time to discuss problems:

• When can you both meet that is free from other commitments and distractions, (e.g., after the kids go to bed)?
• Where in your home can you work effectively on the issue or conflict? You want a location that promotes connection between the two of you.
• What ground rules are important for you to be able to have a productive discussion?’ For instance, you might agree to disagree.

When you meet, turn off your cell phones, step away from your computer, do not answer your home phone and organize your time in a way that leaves you free to focus on the issue at hand. Clarify the issue you are discussing. If other issues arise during your discussion, agree to discuss those issues at another time. That will help to focus your discussion and keep you on track. Be clear of your intention to resolve the issue so that you achieve mutual satisfaction and a resolution you both can support. Martha and I found that a half an hour was usually an amount of time that worked in our busy lives.

Having this kind of time routinely built into our lives to take care of issues and problems as they arose during the week was a great way stay connected, to keep problems from overwhelming us and to stay on the same page with respect to what was important to us. We recognized that having conflicts and arguments came with being married. Being in partnership around how we go about tackling our problems has made all the difference in the world.

Posted in Partnership Marriage