Suspending Blame and Fault

One of the patterns that couples can get into in their relationship when things are not working is to make each other wrong and then start blaming each other. Ultimately, there is no real responsibility in blaming another person. Blaming your partner is not being responsible for either what happened or for the way that it is. And the impact of blaming and finding fault is usually to trigger defensiveness, disconnection and conflict.

Rather than making yourself, your partner or the circumstances wrong when things aren’t working, it is more effective to step back to look at “what is so” or “”what is going on” between the two of you or in your circumstances. When you both can see what is going on, you are in a better position to examine together what is working and what isn’t.  Haim Ginott, a famous child psychologist, wrote and spoke about effective parenting. He said that, rather than finding fault in your child by saying, “You spilled the milk!” say, “Whoops, the milk spilled.” In the first instance, the parent is blaming the child for the milk spilling; in the second instance, the parent is dealing with the facts of the situation. In that moment, the parent is focused on what happened and is better able to engage the child in learning from the situation by seeing what worked and didn’t work.

In a committed relationship or marriage, a couple who can suspend blame and fault is able to co-create greater peace and harmony in their lives and deal effectively with the difficulties as they come along. An effective orientation to problems as they occur is to suspend judging anything as wrong or finding the person to blame and assess what is not working and how can you address it together. Blame and fault disconnect you as a couple, while being responsible for and accepting what happened allow for you both to feel connected and in partnership. Each of you is better able to see where you need to focus to deal more effectively with the circumstances. This stance allows you to attend to what is important in your relationship and to take the action necessary for the situation to work for both of you, rather than remaining disconnected, angry and unable to work as a team.

Posted in Partnership Marriage